Today, a guy tried to pick me up with the line, "You're ugly. Just kidding. You're my date." FML
thebigtwinkie tells us more.
Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML
Today, I received a package in the mail. It was a workout and weight-loss plan that I ordered last week. I finished an entire pizza and pint of ice-cream as I read the guidelines. FML
retromermaid tells us more.
retromermaid 12
Update: I have started the plan today, and it's been a great workout and a good meal plan so far. Thanks for the support and laughs!
Today, a middle-aged customer tried to pay for a $2 ice cream bar with a credit card. It was declined, so he made me swipe it again. Declined. "Quit touching the metal strip," he scowled. I held the outer edge of it and swiped. Declined. He then bitched me out as his mother paid for him. FML
shadyladyhh tells us more.
Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML
Today, I found out I sent several embarrassing videos while under the influence of the meds I was given while getting my wisdom teeth out. When I asked my mom why she didn't take my phone, she said she tried but I started whining and growling at her. FML
sydspears3 tells us more.
To answers some questions and requests- 1) yes I did post one of the videos to my YouTube channel which I will provide a link to 2) Moms do not ruin life, they make it possible 3) In my moms defense I never told her take take my phone but I just thought she would have thought to when she saw me snapchating people 4) The I didn't give my mom my phone is because we didn't think they would effect me so much since they didn't really effect my 3 older siblings when they got their out. 5) Sorry for the long follow up but here's the link to video https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jaOEDYDInZ4 Or just search my YouTube channel Sydspears3
Today, I invited my deadbeat dad over for dinner, hoping we could resolve our issues and build a proper relationship. Just minutes after he arrived, I caught him stealing money from my purse. He actually said I owe him for raising me. He ditched my mom and me when I was 5. FML
Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML
Today, I overcame my debilitating seasickness long enough to have a shower and take a breath of fresh air on the cruise ship balcony. Then as a reward, a passing seagull shat on my head. FML
Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML
Today, my husband injured his back badly. He's taken three Percocets, because according to him, he knows the dosage better than his doctor, and is demanding that I let him drive himself to work, with no pants on. FML
Today, I was told by my teacher that she had 'given up' teaching me because someone had told her I have a mental illness, and that I don't understand what she says. FML
Today, I was replaced in the symphony I play in. I play the clarinet, and a standard symphony only uses two, so getting into one can be quite competitive. My conductor's reasoning? "I was sure you were going to college." I never mentioned college to him, other than saying I wasn't going. FML
Ozomulsion tells us more.
Ozomulsion 11
Thanks for all the support... And the music puns. Definitely got a few laughs out of me! I figure I should give a little bit more in-depth explanation of what happened, considering the 300 character limit on an FML submission. I have been part of this symphony for 3 years and I was about to go into my forth season. It's a local community symphony, so I wasn't getting payed over it, but it was my only connection to a real symphony and the only one within at lest an hour and a half drive as far as a I know. Anyways, I had mentioned to my conductor that I WASN'T going off to college, and that I would "See you next season" earlier this May. Apparently he forgot and didn't bother to even contact me to double check and just replaced me. The woman who plays first chair informed him of his mistake and immediately contacted me over it, but apparently the replacement player is already committed to the entire one-year season and he cannot be removed, which I understand. I do not in the slightest believe my conductor purposely ousted me because we had no qualms and he apparently liked my playing; I think it was due to a genuine but rather foolish mistake. I'll still have plenty of playing opportunities as I am a professional jazz musician and I play out all around my state and neighboring states on a weekly basis with my band, and I'm likely about to create a classical trio for weddings, but I'm still going to miss it. This is the reason I didn't go in to college for music, because I was already playing out and making a living doing jazz and I figured I would be able to further my playing through actual in-field experience and learning as opposed to going away into a college.
Today, I was checking my schedule online and noticed that I wasn't scheduled for any shifts next week. Not thinking it was a big deal, I called HR to get it corrected, only to find out I was laid off and they "forgot" to tell me. FML
Today, my mother told me that she and my father aren't coming to my wedding if my estranged brother who stopped talking to me two years ago isn't invited. She claims they don't want to choose sides. Brother: 1. Me: 0. FML
soulebelius tells us more.
soulebelius 17
Just a quick update from the OP: this isn't the first threat my mother gave me about this. She actually influenced my sister to have the same stance. Me and my sister worked it out, but my mom crossed the line. She brings this up when it benefits her ulterior motive to reunite the family (ain't mad at her for that), but it shouldn't be brought up while we're announcing our engagement, or introducing both families for the first time, or a casual conversation months later about us getting on the same insurance. The saddest part is... Me and the missus were planning on having only our closest immediate family. It was going to be around 10 total people. I told her she doesn't have to worry anymore: no need for them to go. Not even bitter. I just want to keep the focus on the happy couple and not use our day as a family counseling session.
Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML
Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML
Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML
Today, my hormones decided to make my pimples appear symmetrically on my face around my nose and mouth. FML
Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML
Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not a virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", Honey. FML
Today, my boyfriend canceled his plans to attend my father's wake, not even 10 minutes after he found out there won't be any alcohol on offer. FML
Today, I looked at a girl's profile on a dating website, and it told her I'd visited it. Later on, she sent me a message. It said: "Don't even think about it." FML
guiltnazan tells us more.
Thanks for all the encouraging replies everyone. I decided to just not let her get to me and just move on with my life. #18: I think that anyone who needs to put down others and rejecting them to get an ego boost in any situation is just not a person I would want to spend any amount of time with. #25: That is an awesome idea and I should have used it!
Today, I found out I'm allergic to our new cat. My mom said she'd rather get rid of me than the cat. FML
Bella0304 tells us more.
Hi, OP here..for those of you wondering I'm 16 years old and my mom doesn't want to get rid of Buffy (my cat) and honestly neither do I! My mom keeps saying shed rather get rid of me instead of the cat..lol I know she's probably joking and she loves me...but never get in between a woman and her cat!
Today, my mother yelled at me for not doing all of my homework. She got so mad, she tore up a drawing I'd spent over a week working on. That was my art homework. FML
Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML
Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman returned to the drive thru because her fries weren't hot enough. She was so angry about coming back that she threw her cold fries at me through the window and told me to "choke on them." FML
Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML
Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML
Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML
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