Today, I went on a blind date. He took one look at me and said, "Well, we might as well get a drink anyway." FML
Today, at 6 a.m. I rolled over in bed causing my smartwatch to vibrate with an alert that it had detected a hard fall. Ten seconds after I dismissed the alert, I heard a voice from my watch with the dreaded words, "911, what's your emergency?" FML
Today, I was talking with a coworker about movie actors. I was trying to remember Forest Whitaker’s name and I blurted out, “the droopy-eyed King of Scotland.” Boy, did I get some looks. FML
Today, I found out that I’ve been greeting a coworker by the wrong name for six weeks. The worst part? They never corrected me because they thought it was funny, especially because it turns out to be their mom's name. FML
Today, my boss called to check if I was available for a last-minute meeting. Trying to sound professional, I sat up straight in my chair, only to forget I was sitting on a rolling chair with no lock. The chair slid back, I slipped off, and a loud crash echoed through the office. My boss asked if I was okay, and I tried pretending nothing happened. FML
Today, I have a stutter that gets worse with stress. We got a new supervisor today and the first thing she said to me was, “Either spit it out or write it in an email, for fuck's sake!” I’m now so scared of her, I go almost mute if we’re in the same room. FML
Today, I had finally convinced myself to attend my first BDSM party by telling myself, "No one there knows you, and if they do, they're interested in the same thing." Once there, I immediately noticed the giant hole in my train of thought: One of the bar staff was a fellow uni student. FML
Today, my cat somehow managed to lock me out of my apartment by jumping on the doorknob while I was taking the trash out. I had to call a locksmith, and now it's like my cat won't even come near at me, like I betrayed him for allowing a stranger into our home. FML
Today, I was at work, eating coleslaw of all things, and my tooth broke in half. Diagonally. The bottom half fell out into my coleslaw. FML
Today, my best friend and I were playing Call of Duty when he said he had to go to the bathroom. Curious, I checked his phone. A text message read, "Tell your friend you're going to the bathroom and come eat. Pizza is here" from his dad. Apparently, I'm not good enough to feed. FML
Today, I tried to strike up a conversation with someone in an elevator by commenting on the "beautiful view." We were in a windowless elevator, heading for the basement parking lot. I then had to try and appear less psychotic to avoid freaking them out even more. FML
Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML
Today, my ex broke up with me because his mom didn't like me. He was visiting me across the country at the time, and still had a few days left. He had the audacity to still ask to sleep with me. FML
Today, I was trying to be a responsible adult and check my credit score. I accidentally mistyped my password five times, got locked out, and had to call customer service. They asked me so many security questions, I started questioning my own identity (and sanity). FML
Today, I confidently told a joke at a party, only to completely butcher the punchline. Everyone still laughed… at me instead of the joke. FML
Today, I gave my best speech at a work function, only to have the entire team ask, “What was the point of that?” Now, I’m questioning all my life choices. FML
Today, I wanted to show a photo of my cat to my colleague, but my phone fell out of my hand and scrolled to the next photo, a photo of me without a bra. Now he thinks that this is how I tried to let him know that I want a quickie. FML
Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML
Today, I ran into an old friend at the grocery store and told them, "Let’s catch up soon!" We then ran into each other in every single aisle. It got awkwarder and awkwarder, and by the fifth time I was pretty sure neither of us wanted to see the other ever again. FML
Today, my mom sent me a text that said "You're my favorite!" and I got all emotional. Then I realized she'd accidentally sent it to our family group chat. My siblings were furious, and she tried to backtrack by calling all of us her "favorites." FML
Today, I visited the best cafe for the fourth time in a week. I’ve tried not to flirt with the same (hot) barista, I even mentioned my partner, but we chat and joke every time, and get on well. After I said bye and left, I heard a hasty, “Love you, bye.” It's maybe a joke, but he’s a total catch, and I don't know if I can go back there now. FML
Today, I completely forgot the word "redeem", I had to Google search it. I was trying to look for the word that started with an "R" that was used when you use a coupon. All I could remember about the word was that it started with an "R". FML
Today, while holding the door open for a stranger, I thought I was being polite. She walked through, smiled at me, and said, "Thanks, but you didn’t have to follow me into the bathroom." I hadn’t noticed the door led to the restroom. FML
Today, it was my first day at a new workplace. During introductions, I nervously tripped over my words and introduced myself as "Fork." My real name is Frank. My coworkers thought it was too funny to correct. Looks like I’m stuck with "Fork" for the foreseeable future. FML
Today, while cooking dinner, I managed to set my oven mitt on fire. In my panic, I tried to throw it in the sink, but it landed on a stack of t-shirts, which were lying on the counter. Both the mitt and my favorite Sonic Youth t-shirt now have matching burn holes. FML
Today, I accidentally sent my boss a meme about hating work. Her reply? "Same." FML
Today, I got locked out of my house in my pajamas while trying to take the trash out. My neighbor offered to help, but only after taking a picture of me for "future laughs." FML
Today, my wife is upset because at a party we took part in an X-rated 'Never Have I Ever', which exposed how filthy I was with past girlfriends, and how boring our sex life is. I’d done almost everything, while she, who’s only ever been with me, had only done 5 things off the list of about 40. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three years decided to propose. It would’ve been perfect, except he did it during my family’s annual backyard BBQ, and his proposal was drowned out by my drunk uncle singing karaoke. FML
Today, at a talent show, my band got booed before we even started playing. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
