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Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2011 at 5:36pm / United Kingdom (Solihull) / Work

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

by Anonymous / 06/28/2012 at 12:53pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve the problem, the water company shut off the neighbourhood's water supply while they fixed his boiler. I am now unable to shower, and I smell like a zoo animal. FML

by failure / 07/14/2011 at 12:24pm / Russian Federation (Saint Petersburg City) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

by Lonely School Kid / 07/30/2015 at 6:35pm / Canada / Kids

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2015 at 10:36pm / Australia / Love

Today, at the old folk's home where I work as a housekeeper, a resident was holding herself on the way to the bathroom. I hoped she wouldn't leave a mess. She made it just fine. I was then informed that she had left a crap trail from the couch, more than 20ft away. FML

by Anonymous / 11/18/2009 at 1:17am / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

by Iarla_ceapaire93 / 06/16/2015 at 1:27pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Health

Today, my doctor put me on some extra strength antibiotics for an infection. On the label it says "WARNING: may cause Diarrhea"... 'may cause' is a funny term... this is the second time I've sharted in my pants today. FML

by NotSoSick / 02/12/2010 at 12:11am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, after a big presentation, people sent an open invitation to dinner. When I asked which restaurant and what time, I was told that I wasn't invited. I've been here for three years. FML

by spitt / 05/12/2015 at 10:11pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, my boyfriend's idiotic friend shoved me into a stream so I could be "reunited" with my family, since my name is River. The first thing I saw as I climbed out, soaking wet, was my boyfriend high-fiving his friend. FML

by River / 07/18/2015 at 12:08am / Miscellaneous

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

by youlyingjerk / 01/31/2010 at 9:12pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

by lillymean / 02/02/2012 at 8:02pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Love

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

by Unhappymothersday / 05/17/2012 at 4:41pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous