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Today, for the second time, I had an argument with my mother about whether William Shakespeare was a real person or not. FML

by ohno / 03/17/2015 at 4:35pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

by its still broken / 06/10/2015 at 8:13pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

by Lovejunkie / 03/01/2010 at 2:30am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

by Lonely School Kid / 07/30/2015 at 6:35pm / Canada / Kids

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

by Anonymous / 05/07/2011 at 5:42pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sampled some of the food my fiancée's mom is making for our wedding. Everything tasted terrible, and I almost vomited. Turns out she never actually went to culinary school as she claimed, but had just watched Julie and Julia. It's too late to book another caterer for the wedding. FML

by WeddingWoes / 11/03/2012 at 3:42pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

by Anonymous / 02/11/2015 at 10:59pm / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, I threw up after drinking a smoothie my mother made me. She then called me "ungrateful" and "immature" for not liking what she spent a long time making for me. I later found out that not only did she use expired yogurt, it was also a mango smoothie, which I'm allergic to. FML

by anon / 11/07/2012 at 6:28pm / United States / Health

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

by Unhappymothersday / 05/17/2012 at 4:41pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, at the old folk's home where I work as a housekeeper, a resident was holding herself on the way to the bathroom. I hoped she wouldn't leave a mess. She made it just fine. I was then informed that she had left a crap trail from the couch, more than 20ft away. FML

by Anonymous / 11/18/2009 at 1:17am / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I played a volleyball game at my school. Not only did I miss the winning point, the ball hit my face in the process, which resulted in popping a big fat zit on my nose. FML

by iharethissomuxh / 11/11/2010 at 12:30am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

by snoozlagist / 10/30/2010 at 12:52am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

by Dani / 01/12/2010 at 4:51pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Transportation