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Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML

by Annie / 11/22/2009 at 5:07pm / Mexico (Coahuila de Zaragoza) / Animals

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 12:29pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

by apparently-a-shed / 03/05/2013 at 7:20am / United Kingdom (Worcestershire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor's dog decided to knock over our trash cans, which were full of my bathroom trash. I had to pick up tampon and maxi pad wrappers from all over the neighborhood. FML

by A / 05/22/2015 at 11:25pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, at the old folk's home where I work as a housekeeper, a resident was holding herself on the way to the bathroom. I hoped she wouldn't leave a mess. She made it just fine. I was then informed that she had left a crap trail from the couch, more than 20ft away. FML

by Anonymous / 11/18/2009 at 1:17am / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

by Tabby / 08/06/2011 at 4:39pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I got rear-ended. An old woman got out and came over to my car window. I thought she was coming to apologize and trade insurance companies. Instead, she poured her soda on my head, ran back into her car, and drove away. FML

by Anonymous / 08/30/2012 at 10:47pm / United States (Connecticut) / Transportation

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML

by smiler / 03/17/2010 at 12:59pm / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

by Damn / 06/05/2012 at 3:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my sweet tooth went to a whole different level when I took a swig out of a bottle of maple syrup. FML

by TonyTalkingClock / 11/04/2014 at 7:48am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a while after finishing and uploading a task, I looked at my peers' work to make sure I hadn't missed anything in mine. One of them had gotten the same idea and had decided to incorporate part of my work into his. "Part" as in "all". "All" as in all of his work is also all of mine. FML

by Anonymous / 05/12/2015 at 11:19pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

by wastedlove / 06/23/2009 at 11:14am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

by kdeeeceee / 11/05/2011 at 3:25am / United States / Miscellaneous