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Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried it in the cat's litter box. FML

by Heather / 06/26/2012 at 1:13pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my husband let my 8-year-old twins play with handcuffs. I thought my husband was pretending he had lost the key but after 4 hours, he walked in with his head down and said, "I've made a terrible mistake honey." FML

by hfs palm / 06/21/2015 at 5:37pm / United States / Kids

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

by snoozlagist / 10/30/2010 at 12:52am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

by Ethan / 03/09/2009 at 9:35am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

by Nick / 02/11/2010 at 1:35pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I brought a cupcake to school for my friend's birthday. After taking one bite, she exclaimed that it was the worst thing she had ever tasted and that we should sue the store that I bought it from. I baked it myself. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2010 at 10:42pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML

by Anonymous / 05/16/2012 at 6:45am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I played a volleyball game at my school. Not only did I miss the winning point, the ball hit my face in the process, which resulted in popping a big fat zit on my nose. FML

by iharethissomuxh / 11/11/2010 at 12:30am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sampled some of the food my fiancée's mom is making for our wedding. Everything tasted terrible, and I almost vomited. Turns out she never actually went to culinary school as she claimed, but had just watched Julie and Julia. It's too late to book another caterer for the wedding. FML

by WeddingWoes / 11/03/2012 at 3:42pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

by Phoenix0614 / 01/25/2010 at 12:33am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I am jobless after graduation. Ironic, since when I started college with my education degree, I was congratulated, told of the teacher shortage in my state, and how quickly I would be able to find a job. Three years in, the economy tanks, and the state issues a teacher hiring freeze. FML

by FMJoblessL / 02/04/2010 at 12:02am / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML

by yoggabe / 08/18/2012 at 4:34pm / Mexico (Tabasco) / Kids

Today, I threw up after drinking a smoothie my mother made me. She then called me "ungrateful" and "immature" for not liking what she spent a long time making for me. I later found out that not only did she use expired yogurt, it was also a mango smoothie, which I'm allergic to. FML

by anon / 11/07/2012 at 6:28pm / United States / Health