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Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

by Damn / 06/05/2012 at 3:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my Dad and I went to McDonald's, only to have him shove two handfuls of sugar packets into the bag. He said, "If it's for free, why only take one?" To make it worse, my crush was at the till, watching what was happening. FML

by AshamedDaughter / 08/17/2011 at 3:14am / Canada (British Columbia) / Money

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2011 at 7:07pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend asked me to take my belt off as the buckle was hurting her leg. I didn't have a belt on. FML

by zetuga / 04/01/2015 at 3:40am / United Kingdom (Luton) / Intimacy

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

by Lovejunkie / 03/01/2010 at 2:30am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

by Iarla_ceapaire93 / 06/16/2015 at 1:27pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Health

Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML

by Anonymous / 07/06/2012 at 6:42am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm, my boss showed up. After telling him how the day went, he asked why I was still there. Apparently, for the holiday, we close early. 4 hours earlier. FML

by worksucker / 07/05/2011 at 1:34am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

by Anonymous / 02/18/2014 at 11:31am / United States / Kids

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

by its still broken / 06/10/2015 at 8:13pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

by yum yogurt / 10/30/2011 at 4:15pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend's idiotic friend shoved me into a stream so I could be "reunited" with my family, since my name is River. The first thing I saw as I climbed out, soaking wet, was my boyfriend high-fiving his friend. FML

by River / 07/18/2015 at 12:08am / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2011 at 5:36pm / United Kingdom (Solihull) / Work