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Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML

by bannana0zoom / 03/03/2012 at 3:06am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I got stuck in a small elevator. It started to violently judder up and down after I pressed the 'Help' buzzer. The man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML

by stuckinalift / 02/17/2011 at 8:31pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, it's hot and sunny, and a customer asked me how I was, I responded by saying "It's a hot sunny day. Who doesn't love the sun?" He responded by telling me he had just had three melanomas cut out. I guess I did find someone who doesn't like the sun. FML

by fifthtimesacharm / 04/26/2011 at 11:03am / Health

Today, I found out the only reason why a friend of mine even bothered talking to me. He thought that I'd sleep with him if he was nice enough. FML

by I'm_Not_Interested / 07/06/2015 at 1:30am / United States (Nevada) / Intimacy

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

by Susan / 02/28/2012 at 6:55am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

by full bladder / 04/28/2015 at 6:39pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a little over a week proposed to me. FML

by Anonymous / 10/11/2015 at 9:25am / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 12:16pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

by FUCK A FUCKING DUCK / 11/23/2012 at 12:20pm / Bahamas (New Providence) / Money

Today, I was worried about my brother because he said that his new medication was making him hallucinate. I told him he should see a doctor right away. He said it was fine and that he had already seen a doctor. I later found out the doctor he was talking about was a hallucination. FML

by PickedOff / 04/27/2012 at 4:22am / United States / Health

Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML

by kb / 01/10/2015 at 9:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working as a service writer in an auto service shop. A really cute girl came in to buy a headlight, I offered to install the bulb for her. My hand got stuck behind the headlight, she had to ask one of our mechanics to come remove the air box from her car to get my hand out. FML

by stuck / 06/16/2009 at 11:42pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I was texting my girlfriend about cross dressing and I said, "It would be hard for me to conceal my weapon." She instantly replied, "Not really, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, you'll be alright." FML

by DanteWest1000 / 04/03/2012 at 12:43am / United States (Nebraska) / Intimacy