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Today, I sleep during the day because I work nights. My neighbors have a very loud wedding and reception in their backyard including a live mariachi band. FML

by Vlen / 05/23/2015 at 10:38pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandparents thought it would be acceptable to give me and my wife Christmas presents to take to my ex-wife, along with a card saying how much they missed her and to get in touch with them next time she is in town. FML

by B-Rizzle / 12/20/2009 at 8:40am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

by xXMudkipNoobXx / 01/12/2012 at 8:20pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML

by but i make different stiffies / 01/04/2013 at 7:33pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

by King_of_Cha0s / 09/15/2015 at 2:05pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I called my mom for her birthday. She started talking about an infomercial she'd seen for a combo bidet-and-dryer, and how she would like to get one so she can feel "fresh down there" without worrying about getting bits of toilet paper on her nether regions. I can't un-hear this. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2010 at 1:46am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

by Livewire / 12/31/2011 at 8:22pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommates sent a relationship request to my one night stand with my Facebook account. She accepted, and sent me a long message confessing her love for me. I can't remember her. FML

by birgz / 10/25/2011 at 8:42am / Love

Today, I took my dog to the vet because he hadn't eaten his food in three days, was drinking a lot of water, and was peeing a lot (all signs of antifreeze poisoning). I spent $200 at the vet to tell me that my dog is fine and just didn't like his current food. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2009 at 11:14am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I helped an elderly lady unscrew the cooling tank's cap from her smoking car. My reward? A scalding shower of toxic, pungent antifreeze that erupted moments after removing said cap. She didn't even thank me. FML

by thoughtcrimeno1 / 07/06/2011 at 1:27am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got stuck in a small elevator. It started to violently judder up and down after I pressed the 'Help' buzzer. The man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML

by stuckinalift / 02/17/2011 at 8:31pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

by kay / 06/01/2012 at 5:08pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 2-year-old cat finally decided to start catching mice. Like any other cat would, she left it for me to find. I found it in the middle of the night, as my bare foot rolled its guts out of its ass. FML

by shadokis / 09/12/2012 at 2:31pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals