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Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

#19180837
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24257) - you deserved it (6179)

On 02/28/2012 at 6:55am - love - by Susan - Canada (Ontario)

Today, at work, I was standing at the till helping an attractive man. I have a cold and could feel the snot bubbling up. He orders and we flirt for a bit. Just as I'm about to hand him his product, I sneeze quite loudly and forcefully all over his face. Guess I won't be getting that number. FML

#5955590
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24254) - you deserved it (7559)

On 10/23/2009 at 4:56am - work - by BoogieCandy. (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend, when he suggested that I might want to buy a new loofah. When I asked why, he admitted he's been using it to scrub his ass crack for weeks. I use that loofah to wash my face. FML

#20074793
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24254) - you deserved it (2373)

On 09/16/2012 at 3:48pm - health - by Derp McShitstain (woman) - United Kingdom (St. Helens)

Today, my roommate who stays out til 4 or 5 in the morning each night got her key to the dorm fixed. I've been having to stay up nightly to let her in (my normal bedtime being 12:00) How'd they fix it? Turns out it was never broken she was just putting the key in the slot wrong. FML

#13313865
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24253) - you deserved it (3949)

On 10/04/2010 at 4:24am - misc - by megmo7 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

#17735625
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24253) - you deserved it (3783)

On 09/13/2011 at 10:48am - health - by .. - United States (Florida)

Today, at my four-year-old daughter's insistence, I looked for - and found - a radio station that plays "Santa music" all year round. She's ecstatic and I can't turn it off without upsetting her. FML

#20436981
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24253) - you deserved it (10176)

On 01/01/2013 at 7:18pm - kids - by christmaswillneverend - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

#17757817
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24252) - you deserved it (3555)

On 09/16/2011 at 1:26pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML

#20175516
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24251) - you deserved it (1480)

On 11/23/2012 at 5:51pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

#20501864
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24249) - you deserved it (9634)

On 02/11/2013 at 2:19am - love - by mr_loveless (man) - United States

Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the dream, she threatened to hit me, and I told her I'd do it myself. I reared back and knocked the crap out of myself. I'm awake now, and my jaw still hurts. FML

#18519378
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24249) - you deserved it (5522)

On 12/15/2011 at 12:30pm - misc - by Grubendol - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I was at the beach with my parents, and I went for a swim in the sea. I got out and my parents started laughing their asses off. It wasn't until my dad pulled a condom out of my hair that I realized what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML

#19851846
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24248) - you deserved it (1828)

On 06/26/2012 at 6:04pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of)

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

#21334531
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24248) - you deserved it (4269)

On 01/10/2015 at 3:00pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Vermont)

Today, I met a really hot chick while waiting for the bus. We spoke for 4 hours till we got to our destination. She hugged me and we parted ways. Later that day I realised she stole my phone. FML

#803
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24247) - you deserved it (3534)

On 01/07/2009 at 10:59pm - love - by KiloLima01 - Australia (Victoria)



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