lolital_fml

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

Tickle time

Today, I told my boyfriend to stop tickling me, since I absolutely hate being tickled. He got extremely pissed at me and left the room. It took me a full five minutes to realize that I'd called him by my ex's name. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

Today, I realized that the guy I've been sending anonymous, dirty emails to knows who I am. My signature, which includes my full name, was automatically added to the end of every email. FML

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

Unfair

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the OC Fair. He was taking a picture of me in front of a giant mechanical butterfly at the insect exhibit. Playfully, he told me to pretend to be a butterfly, so I quickly lifted my arms, just in time to slap a 7 year-old girl in the face. FML

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

Oh, look…

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

Spontaneous

Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

Shy girl

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

Marvel Comics

Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML