Today, I found out that my best friend and I are pregnant. This would be much more exciting if my boyfriend wasn’t the father of both. FML
Today, out of pure desperation and loneliness, I went out with my ex-boyfriend. It ended with him hitting me and driving off with my car. He's in jail now. What was I thinking? FML
Today, my husband is terminal and insisted on making his last confession. Long story short, the priest came out pale and sweating and told me, in no uncertain terms, that my husband is definitely going to Hell, but won’t tell me why. FML
Today, it's been 10 months of a sexless marriage. Also my 10-month wedding anniversary. We waited until marriage, and she hasn't wanted me since. FML
Today, I made a mosaic for my grandma out of her old crockery, after I had finished it, I found out from a neighbour that some of the plates looked like Wedgewood. So I dug through the stuff that I didn't use. It turns out the original lot would have been worth about £2000. With the stuff left, I'd be lucky to get £100. FML
Today, it’s my birthday. My boyfriend handed me this month’s rental statement with “Paid” written in red ink. He says it’s my gift, because, "that shit adds up every month" and I should be "grateful" that I have a roof over my head for another month instead of being "materialistic." FML
Today, in a particularly crowded section of the mall, I felt someone touch my back, several times. My self-defense kicked in, I screamed to attract attention, whipped around and threw a punch. No one was there; It was my ponytail touching my back. People were staring me like I was insane. FML
Today, I took my 15-year-old daughter to our local shooting range for her birthday, as she requested. While she was setting up a target in front of me, I jokingly pulled the trigger and shouted, "Think Fast!" not realizing that the safety was off. I shot my daughter in the arm on her birthday. FML
Today, I noticed that to get my boyfriend to do what I want, I must bribe him with food instead of sex. FML
Today, while at work, I had to poop. While wiping, I somehow managed to get the back tail of my shirt in between my butthole and the toilet paper, effectively wiping my ass with my white dress shirt. FML
Today, I can’t make it to my friend’s birthday party because my dog died this morning. I called my friend to inform her and she screamed at me because a "dumb animal" is more important than her best friend. Oh, and she asked me if that also means she won’t be getting a present. FML
Today, I was trying to walk in heels. My mom then started cracking up, saying I looked like a baby giraffe learning to walk just after coming out of the womb. FML
Today, I sneezed inside my helmet when I was driving 90 mph on my motorbike. No quick solutions were available to improve visibility. FML
Today, I found out that masturbating on an airplane isn't frowned upon like they say in the movie 'The Hangover'. It's actually illegal. FML
Today, after a 16-hour day fixing the computer network at my workplace, I didn't even get a "Thank you". I did, however, get people whining about how, "That computer crap never works" and, "Why do we need IT anyway?" FML
Today, my wife is totally convinced that she was abducted by aliens last night, all because she fell out of bed. FML
Today, I found out I have bed bugs, thanks to my dad having them and not telling me, so my girlfriend got pissed at me, thinking I purposely give them to her, and is sending me a bill to have her house treated for them. Thanks dad. FML
Today, I finally got an answer as to why I've felt like crap this past week when I tested positive for COVID. My wife, a healthcare professional, is now madly Googling proof that COVID is fake, because she thinks it an elaborate ruse for me to not visit her grandmother next week. FML
Today, somebody stole approximately 2000$ worth of army gear from me, which I have to pay for because my leadership didn't care about replacing my room key. My leadership is going to blame me for it in the end, and treat me worse because of it. FML
Today, I got a ton of angry and disappointed messages. My boyfriend posted a picture of us out at a restaurant, and I was holding a brown bottle. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I was drinking a fancy root beer. No one believes me. FML
Today, I was woken up ungodly early by my dad, who didn't give me even 5 seconds to wake up before barking orders at me to clean the septic tank screen, because it was clogged, but he needed to go to work. Conveniently, he'd already had a shower and "didn't notice" the gurgling toilet until he was done. FML
Today, my grandad smacked me on the back of the head, and told me to, "Act like a goddamn man and stop crying." It was at the funeral of my mum and sister, who both died in a car crash. FML
Today, I'm so afraid of Covid, I lied to my friends to avoid hanging out with them every time I was invited. Yes, I've been vaccinated already. FML
Today, my boyfriend was trying to describe his feelings. I asked him if he felt any emotions other than "anger." He went to get a beer and never came back. FML
Aujourd'hui, je me lève et constate que mes toilettes sont totalement bouchées. J'appelle les rares plombiers disponibles dans la région. Celui qui peut venir le plus tôt "en urgence" ne sera pas là avant cinq jours. Je suis enceinte et je fais pipi toutes les deux heures en moyenne. La semaine va être longue. VDM
Aujourd'hui, ça fait 2 semaines que j’ai très mal au dos ; le chaud est l’unique moyen pour me soulager. Alors que je me pose sur ma bouillotte fraîchement préparée, elle explose, me brûlant toute la zone qui me faisait déjà mal et une partie de la fesse gauche pour en rajouter. VDM
Aujourd'hui, à cause de mes vertiges et de mes nausées, mon père n'a jamais été aussi content, persuadé que je n'ose pas lui dire que je suis enceinte. J'ai seize ans et un problème d'oreille interne. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mes parents rentrent du Pérou et m'offrent un t-shirt avec inscrit en gros le nom d'une des peuplades : MOCHE. VDM
Aujourd'hui, repas entre bons collègues de travail. Ces derniers m'ont trouvé un cheveu blanc, et en cherchant ledit cheveu blanc, je me suis découvert un début de calvitie. Le problème ? J'ai 19 ans. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon chat ramène un petit serpent vivant qu'il vient d'attraper. Tout fier, il parade avec, dans tout le salon. Puis il monte sur l'accoudoir du canapé, où s'est endormi mon mari. Et lui lâche le serpent, toujours pas mort, sur le ventre. VDM
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
