Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML
Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML
Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML
Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year-old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML
Today, my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding, that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority. FML
Today, I discovered my boyfriend has been slipping me abortion pills to "supplement" my regular birth control. FML
Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML
Today, I told my crush of two years that I love him. He responded with an, "Aww, I'm sorry." and a pity hug. FML
Today, I was reading my boyfriend's online diary. It started off really sweet, saying he was in a wonderful relationship with me, and how he utterly adored me. It then slowly progressed into loathing and wondering what he ever saw in me, all because I have a low sex-drive. FML
Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML
Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML
Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML
Today, my dog was barking at a squirrel in the yard. I opened the door to let him chase the squirrel. I went to look at the dead squirrel and found out it was the neighbor's chihuahua. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML
Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to an ewok from Star Wars. She says it's short, stubby, and fuzzy. Now she sings the Star Wars theme when we hang out. FML
Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML
Today, I actually heard my 14 year-old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
