Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML
Today, as I was walking to wash my hands after using the restroom, the guy walking away from the sink flicked water from his hands towards the floor. Water splashed all over my beige shorts. I had to walk back into class looking like I'd peed my pants. FML
Today, after sweeping up a spill, I managed to break the cupboard door. With my head. FML
Today, I spent $300 just to find out my dog likes to drink a lot of water and then pee everywhere. FML
Today, I was studying when a tremendous crash of glass sounded from the other room. Was it a burglar? Nope. The cat had tried to jump from the kitchen table to the top of the cabinet, missed, and slammed into the cabinet's glass door. FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend's mom and the subject of marriage came up. She told me she hopes I'll find my prince charming very soon and leave her son alone. FML
Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML
Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML
Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML
Today, I was laughing at the new granite stool sculpture our work put in the office garden. I said to my colleagues for a laugh that I'd be the first to sit on it. Turns out it was a bird bath. FML
Today, my job offer from 2 weeks ago was rescinded. My "new boss" didn't like my last performance review. I'd spent 30 hours preparing a case study for the second interview. He wants me to be a "standup guy" and withdraw my application voluntarily, so HR doesn't have to get involved. FML
Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years revealed he'd got me a complete collection of Charles Dickens' novels for £3 from a charity shop. He was particularly proud as he said it meant he could give me one for Christmas and my birthday each year, thus avoiding having to buy me presents for the next 15+ years. FML
Today, my mother warned me that if I ever have anal sex I will die. I'm 28. FML
Today, I prepared to do my early morning yoga, lowered myself on to the mat then felt a wet patch on my stomach. Turns out my roommate's cat had taken a piss on my orange mat and I'd been too tired to notice. FML
Today, my band was playing its first serious gig. I was in the middle of a solo when a drunk guy tackled me, causing me to crash into the drums, breaking them and my guitar, hitting our drummer, knocking him out. FML
Today, I'm fasting for Lent. I'm a copywriter and my current client is a food company. I have to research about, and look at pictures of food all day. FML
Today, I got my new license plate, which is the story of my life. FML
Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML
Today, my wife called to me from across the house just to look at the penis-shaped period bloodstain on the back of her underwear. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's to find out why I was producing small amounts of milky liquid from my nipples, even though I'm not pregnant. When she asked me to show her, I squirted on her shirt. FML
Today, my son took a nap quietly for the first time ever. As I went to wake him up, I realized why. A previously poop-filled diaper came flying at me when I opened the door. FML
Today, a client wanted me to change the design I'd given him, again. I've been working with this client for a week now, giving him many designs throughout the week, and he rejected all of them. After all of the changes he wanted, he said that I should just use the first design I sent to him. FML
Today, I found out my roommate is literally crazy. I talked to his sister for an hour on the phone, she told me I should move out as soon as possible and to make sure I take everything I brought, because he's a thief and a liar. She was amazed I had stayed as long as I have. FML
Today, I had to call out of work due to my house flooding. As if that wasn't bad enough, my boss promptly accused me of lying because "the others from your town made it in today." I didn't realize we all lived together. FML
Today, I almost got upgraded to business class because the gentleman at the check-in was so mortified at having called me "sir" instead of "mam." However, before it could go through, his colleague stopped him, telling me that it was "an easy mistake to make." FML
Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML
Today, I had a customer tell me that I don't look a day over 39. I'm 35. FML
Today, my cat has taken it upon herself to provide for the heavily pregnant lady. So far I've been presented with a mouse and 3 birds. I know they're for me because she meows until I see them, then walks away again. FML
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