Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML
Today, I was sitting on the bus next to a hot guy who was texting. I sneaked a peek at his phone to see if he was texting a girl so I could know if he was single. As I looked at his screen, he turned it towards me and typed in caps "STOP BEING A CREEPER." He got out of his seat and off the bus. FML
Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML
Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML
Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML
Today, a five year-old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML
Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML
Today, I was the victim of a drive-by. The attackers used water guns. FML
Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML
Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me as I was leaving and said, "Have a nice… week!" FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML
Today, while working the drive-through at McDonald's, I was handing a gentleman his vanilla shake. He responded by popping the cap off, yelling "Fire in the hole!" and throwing it back in. He then quickly drove off. I was covered in vanilla shake. FML
Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML
Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML
Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML
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