hintza

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as "revenge." FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. His response? "Is that why you have been so clingy and annoying lately?" FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. If that wasn't bad enough, I awoke gasping for air. I almost drowned in my arm fat. FML

Today, I was locked out of my house. After hours of trying to break the door, I found out I accidentally left a window open. The door, however, still needs to be replaced. FML

Today, I was on the way to traffic court for a $340 speeding ticket I'd got. My mother called me and I wasn't paying attention which caused me to speed. Right past a cop. When I told the cop where I was going, he started laughing at me. I now have another $300 ticket. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

Today, it's my nephew's second birthday. He was sitting on my lap, so I started tickling him. He laughed and squirmed so much, he smashed his mouth on my desk. Two bloody hours at the hospital later, he has no two front teeth. FML

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

Today, I was taking my architecture project to school. I'd spent days preparing my little model house. I stepped outside with it in my hand, and right at that moment a gust of wind ripped it away. It's currently lying in my neighbour's garden, smashed to pieces. FML

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

Not now!

Today, I went to see my banker. As we were finishing everything up, I leaned forward to sign something. As I went back to sit down, my two year-old pulled the chair out from under me, and I crashed down to the floor. FML

Blind spot

Today, I managed to stab myself with a knife while trying to open something without a can opener. After getting stitches and returning back home, I went to make a cup of coffee. I found the can opener in the cutlery drawer. FML

Alanis, we've got another case!

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

Today, I finally came to terms with the fact that my girlfriend considers me a glorified ATM. FML

Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML

Today, I missed a call from my mom. It's my birthday, and glad she remembered, I called back to thank her. She was surprised when I brought up going out for dinner, and asked me what the occasion was. FML

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

Messy bitches

Today, I bought my cats two new litter boxes in hopes that they would use them. They still prefer to pee on the clothes in my closet. FML