Miss Detroit, USA 31 years-old It's complicated
Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I "looked cold in my sleep last night". FML
Today, my boyfriend took me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML
Today, one of my boyfriend's friends ranted on about how I am such a crappy girlfriend and how all of his friends don't like me. I just spent over $200 on a surprise party that I invited them all to last weekend. FML
Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML
Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML
Today, in order to avoid seeing my ex-girlfriend in class, I changed my schedule for "personal reasons." Apparently she had the same idea and changed her schedule as well. We now have all the same classes together. Before, we had just two. FML
Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML
Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing he said to him was, "You're an idiot for dating my daughter." FML
Today, I went to a hospital in Uganda, where I'm working with an NGO for the summer. I had a high fever and other symptoms of malaria. They gave me a test, and I don't have malaria. I'm now however sick from the water they gave me to wash down a medication to reduce fever. FML
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML
Today, I went to Disney World. I fell and hit my head while jumping up and down to see Ariel. I'm a 35 year-old man. FML
Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML
Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML
Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML
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