Mrs Bukit Timah Estate, Singapore 50 years-old
Today, I had what I thought would be an important (and formal) interview. Not only did I turn up completely overdressed, the man who was interviewing me arrived 30 minutes late. To top it all off, I was so distracted by his mysterious total lack of eyebrows that I forgot everything I had to say. FML
Today, just like when I interviewed for the job, I know nothing about graphic design and I'm not interested in sales. I've just found out that my "project management" job I was hired for now has the job title "Graphic Sales." They changed it after I started 3 days ago. FML
Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML
Today, I went grocery shopping with my grandmother. Our bagger offered to help load our groceries, to which my grandmother replied, "Oh, what a nice young colored boy." FML
Today, I got to try on a stunning suit that made me the handsomest man in the world. Upcoming prom? No. Wedding? No. I attended a date... A court date. FML
Today, I was texting a girl I was interested in and we exchanged Instagram names. She ghosted me right after. She's the fourth girl to have done this to me in the past month. I guess I'm unattractive, but at least I'm good at texting. FML
Today, the first thing my fiancé did when he walked in the door was to loudly announce all the hot kinky stuff he was about to do to me on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him my dad, mother and both my brothers had just dropped in for a visit and heard every word he said. FML
Today, I sent my friend a Snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used, because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML
Today, I fell off of the deck in my backyard, which wouldn't have been that bad if my drunk, idiot brother hadn't jumped off behind me yelling, "FINISH HIM!" while delivering a bone-crushing body slam. He is fine. I, however, am currently getting a cast for a broken arm. FML
Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML
Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied, "Oh, that's just a myth." FML
Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML
Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML
Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML
Today, I found my high school crush on Facebook. He asked me out. Too bad he's fat and bald now. FML
Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn't dead. FML
Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML
Today, the girl I have a huge crush on only likes my Instagram posts if it's a post about food. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me weird because I keep gloves in the glove box in my car. He's never seen that before. FML
Today, just like any other day, I came home from work to find all my cabinets opened, my couch cushions on the floor, my sink drain filled with items, my shoes scattered all over my apartment, etc. I thought I was adopting a kitten, but it turns out it was actually the Antichrist. FML
Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML
Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML
Today, my son's yearbook came. I was pretty happy, as I'd also ordered a larger version of his photo because he's going to California for college and I wanted a special picture of him to keep. Unfortunately, my happiness disappeared when I saw that he was wearing a horse mask in the photo. FML
Today, marks the third month that I have not received payment for work I did on web pages for a hospital chain. They owe me over $1,000. It will cost twice that to get a lawyer to force them to pay me what I'm owed. FML
Today, a customer passed out in the bathroom, so we didn't realize he was there until after closing. I don't know what he'd shot up, but whatever it was told him he should run around naked. It's been two hours and the cops still haven't shown up. I can't leave until he does. FML
Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML
Today, during my second day on the job, I ate pasta with a pen in the backroom. My old job provided plasticware, and it never occurred to me to pack a fork. FML
Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML
Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
