Today, we wrote valentine's day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML
Today, I was crying after having argued with my boyfriend. My mom saw me, she asked, "Why are you crying? Don't you have homework to do?" FML
Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML
Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentine's Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML
Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML
Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML
Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML
Today, I went to a fastfood restaurant to pick up food for my work party. I ordered 250 chicken fingers, 15 orders of fries, and 2 gallons of tea, and the guy behind the counter asked, "Is this for here or to go?" FML
Today, I submitted my picture to a rating website. It was rejected because I didn't clarify which person I was. The picture was of my dog and me. FML
Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML
Today, in the middle of dinner, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. FML
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML
Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML
Today, I let my friend who is in 'beauty school' do my hair. I now look like i have a mullet. What was supposed to be auburn highlights is now hot pink. I have a job interview in the morning. FML
Today, I told my parents how grateful I am for having them in my life and that not many kids are as lucky as me. My mom texted me after I went out 10 minutes later: "Are you OK? You seemed depressed earlier." FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML
Today, my mother told me that my father once told her that he was glad she wasn't a red head. He wouldn't have married her if she was because he hates red heads. I am his red-headed daughter. FML
Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML
Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He's 6'2 and I'm 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML
Today, my father came back from a business trip in Canada. He handed me an "I Love Canada" pen. He brought back an Xbox 360 for my younger brother. FML
Today, my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my 18th birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He spelled my name wrong. FML
Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML
Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML
Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML
Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out, "Are you having fun?" FML
Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML
Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML
Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML
Today, at a strategy session, my manager displayed a flowchart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML
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