Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML
Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML
Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML
Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were out to eat. The waiter came and asked what we wanted. My boyfriend said he wanted a cheeseburger and I told the waiter I'd have the same. My boyfriend looked at me and said, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" FML
Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML
Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so I tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML
Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said, "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did, I wouldn't have hired you." FML
Today, I saw my friends talking about plans for later during lunch. I walked over and asked for the plan. My best friend of 12 years gently took me aside, and said "You know that person in each group of friends that is only around to be made fun of? That's you." I just got dumped by my friends. FML
Today, I poured myself some punch into a mug I have sitting on a shelf at my studio. Upon tipping it upside down to swallow the last few delicious drops, I see a cluster of mouse droppings stuck to the bottom. FML
Today, I was taking a picture with my friend. Her camera can pick out a certain color and only have that color show up in the picture. She chose yellow because of the yellow on my dress. When she showed me the picture, the sash wasn't the only yellow thing; my teeth showed up, too. FML
Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me, demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML
Today, I thought my boyfriend of six years was going to propose to me. We're high school sweethearts and he was my first. Just as he was looking into my eyes he said, "I've been seeing someone else for two years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision." FML
Today, my husband and I decided to take a romantic trip to the beach. We got pulled over, and shortly thereafter he was arrested. Just so happens you can't miss child support payments for your twelve year old daughter without getting a warrant. He has a daughter? We've been married for 14 years. FML
Today, I went out drinking with my friends. At the end of the night I got a cab ride home. I must have passed out because when I woke up I wasn’t at my place, but my parent’s house, which is the address on my license…120 miles away. The fare was $220. FML
Today, I started my first day as a security guard. After spending three years and $30,000 to become a commercial pilot, only to be told on my yearly medical that I suddenly have type 1 diabetes, and will never fly again. FML
Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML
Today, my fiancé told me he didn't have the money to make payments on my engagement ring and that I either have to return it, or make the payments myself. Now we aren't engaged any more, and are "dating." FML
Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML
Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML
Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML
Today, I learned that when I leave skid marks in the toilet my wife uses my toothbrush to remove them. FML
Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door…" I'd forgotten about that option. FML
Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML
Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML
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