onlyin_urdreamz

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked pretty. I said, "Aww, that's the first time you've said that to me." He replied, "Well, it's the first time you've looked pretty." FML

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

Living life on low battery mode

Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

Bruh…

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML

Today, I was so hungover, I started yelling at inanimate objects. My mom walked in on me calling my cereal a "worthless piece of shit sent from the bowels of Hell." FML

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

Not now

Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML