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By Anonymous - 30/09/2011 12:52 - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 521

You deserved it 2 430

By Anonymous - 04/10/2011 21:08 - United Kingdom

Today, my younger cousin bought his girlfriend of 3 months a bunch of flowers. The only flower I've ever got from my boyfriend of 3 years is a plastic one he found on the floor in a bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 519

You deserved it 4 475

By Anonymous - 16/09/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, for the first time in a week, a customer entered my store. He needed to use the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 518

You deserved it 2 381

Lingering smells

By UptoHERE - 04/02/2010 03:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a road-trip with some of my buddies, when we stopped at a gas station. When I opened the door to their bathroom, brown water flowed out, soaking my legs up to my knees. I then spent another 2 hours in an enclosed vehicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 514

You deserved it 2 297

By Anonymous - 01/03/2012 16:37 - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 513

You deserved it 4 406

By snortingspunk - 03/12/2015 12:52 - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 513

You deserved it 4 158

By Anonymous - 31/03/2015 03:52 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 511

You deserved it 2 478

By StayPositive - 03/11/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 511

You deserved it 9 633

By sozzy - 07/07/2012 07:26 - United States - Aliso Viejo

Today, I went to my regular pharmacist of three months, and since I've always seen him on a crutch, I asked him how his leg was. His response, "Still missing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 511

You deserved it 7 025

The nerve of this dude

By ihatemyjob - 03/09/2015 03:37 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, my boss found me on a dating app. He found it perfectly acceptable to message me and didn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with it. He now wants to have a meeting with me about inappropriate behavior outside of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 511

You deserved it 2 110

By bosslady - 30/06/2015 09:57 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 508

You deserved it 2 301

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 507

You deserved it 7 723

By wallbanger - 07/02/2010 12:31 - Australia

Today, my seven-year-old sister came to stay at my house for the night. She usually just sleepwalks. But tonight she sleep-peed in my clean clothes basket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 507

You deserved it 2 416

By Suzie Leone - 24/01/2012 03:21 - United States

Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 506

You deserved it 2 711

By Anonymous - 20/06/2012 23:08 - United States - New Kensington

Today, I went to the gynecologist. As she was checking me out, she said, "Wow. So you must get wet a lot." It took me several minutes to realize she was talking about my job bathing dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 503

You deserved it 3 421

Broadcaster

By Nigel - 13/07/2015 21:15 - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from Bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 503

You deserved it 13 463

By oh no - 22/06/2015 20:58 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 502

You deserved it 5 305

By noonotme - 05/09/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 502

You deserved it 6 668

By Scholar - 05/09/2012 16:13 - United States

Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 501

You deserved it 3 969

Smooth, real smooth

By sonice - 18/08/2015 03:39 - United States - Duluth

Today, a guy asked me out on Facebook, then called me a conceited bitch when I said no. I don't know, dude; maybe it's just that I already have a boyfriend, that you asked me out on Facebook, and that you posted the same message on 4 other girls' walls as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 501

You deserved it 1 884

Crushed

By Anonymous - 12/08/2012 23:08 - United States - Saddle Brook

Today, while on my morning jog, I turned a corner, and out of nowhere, the business end of a bicycle hit me straight in the nuts. As I collapsed, gasping in agony, the guy who just killed a hundred million of my potential children got back on his bike and cycled away without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 500

You deserved it 2 329

By Sleepy - 31/05/2015 15:51 - United States - Apo

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 500

You deserved it 5 052

By anonymous - 08/09/2015 12:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 500

You deserved it 2 046

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 15:25

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 499

You deserved it 2 411

By Dave B - 25/11/2011 06:59 - Reserved

Today, I was verbally abused by a guy in a 4-wheel-drive twat-tank for listening to music on my iPod while I was "blocking the way." I was standing on the footpath waiting for a bus. At a bus stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 497

You deserved it 2 712

By CircleBruise - 08/06/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 497

You deserved it 5 897

By bundie - 28/12/2008 07:02 - France

Today, my cat didn't quite manage to eat the whole turkey because it was frozen. He just licked it all over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 496

You deserved it 5 121

Nature is healing

By kat, ACT - 20/12/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 495

You deserved it 11 687

By Anonymous - 27/06/2015 19:58

Today, I wore flip-flops to work. Just as I walked onto the elevator, they made a sound very close to that of a fart. About 10 seconds later, some asshole let out a silent but deadly fart, earning me a bunch of disgusted looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 495

You deserved it 4 894

By Anonymous - 18/09/2012 14:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, thinking I was alone in my house, I went downstairs in my underwear, singing at the top of my voice. I strutted into the kitchen to find two middle-aged men I'd never seen before sat at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Turns out they will be painting our house for the next two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 495

You deserved it 4 498

j5maria tells us more.

j5maria 11

Wednesday 19 September 2012 1:17

Hi everyone, it was me that posted this FML! Loving all your comments, and yes, it was a pretty embarrassing moment.

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 407

You deserved it 4 219

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 652

You deserved it 2 728

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 243

Today, there's an ongoing family situation which is stressful and frustrating. I had to deal with something having to do with that for my sister-in-law. I was annoyed and wanted to vent to my partner; but I didn’t double check who I was texting, and I sent a text about my SIL to my SIL. FML

I agree, your life sucks 265

You deserved it 1 285

Today, I was at a wedding and caught the bouquet. As I was leaving the reception, I slipped on the dance floor and landed on my back, knocking the wind out of me. Everyone thought that I had caught the bouquet, and had fainted from the excitement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 138

Today, like every day since birth, I have a sensory processing disorder that stops me hearing things properly. It's worse with accents. I live in the Southwest and I can't understand anyone's spanish accent. I'm not racist, I swear; I'm just disabled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 556

You deserved it 116