Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML
Today, after a long day at work, I grabbed some flowers for my fiancée. As I got to my front door, I heard screaming inside. Thinking there was a burglar, I Immediately ran to where the screams were originating. My bride-to-be was screwing my best friend. FML
Today, I visited my girlfriend in the preschool she's interning at. She asked me to continue reading The Little Mermaid to her class, handing me the book. After the story, the whole class started to cry. She never told me to sugarcoat the ending and lie, Disney-style. FML
Today, my fiancée and I saw my parents at a store. This would've been a nice surprise if it wasn't a sex shop. FML
Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going." She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML
Today, I found out that I’m the only guy in my family that's circumcised. When I asked my parents why they did it, they told me that they wanted me to be “different”. I have 3 older brothers and 5 older cousins. I finally get their helmet jokes. FML
Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML
Today, I was telling a close friend about the devastating discovery of my husband’s cheating. Turns out, she may be giving my children a half-sister for Christmas. FML
Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who is also my boss, was giving me a blowjob at work. Halfway through, his boss knocked on the door and I had to quickly get dressed and slip out the other door. After leaving, I realized that I was still barefoot and I had to walk back to my desk in front of my colleagues. FML
Today, while driving me to the airport for a trip to Japan, my mother started crying. When I asked her why, she said, "I just know that if the plane crashes, I will never see you again because you are going to hell." Thank you, mom. I love you too. FML
Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML
Today, I was woken up from a dead sleep because a bug had fallen into my ear. I could hear it moving around in there, and it took me an hour with a blade of grass in my ear to get it to climb its way back out. FML
ErinShannon tells us more.
ErinShannon 27
OP here, I freaked out the first few minutes and was like " DAD THERE IS A ******* BUG IN MY EAR WHAT DO I DO?!?! " and kept trying to dig it out. So I googled " what to do when a bug falls into you ear. " top suggestion was to not stick anything ( like fingers ) in there to get it out because you could push it further in and to get some grass so the bug can climb onto something it knows to escape. So thats what I did. If I had of kept looking there were probably easier ways but at the time I was worried it would go deeper or something. It is the grossest, weirdest sounding and feeling I have ever experienced. Especially since whatever it was, it had wings and was trying to fly inside my damn ear. Banging ones head against a pillow while laying down doesnt help either, just made it make more noise. Thanks for all comments saying I was brave. Haha.
Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML
Today, due to a new tattoo, I can't wear a bra for the next few days. My coworker knows about it and thought it would be funny to blast the air-con all day. I swear I could have used my nipples to type this, instead of my fingers. FML
milliepede tells us more.
milliepede 14
Hi guys! OP here, I know it's a bit late, but here's some more detail. The tattoo I got was an under boob piece, so it's highest point reaches mid cleavage, lowest point in about an inch above my belly button, and it is the width of my entire torso. I had a vest top on underneath my work blouse, and a heavier work blouse on than I would normally wear to combat any nip attacks during the day, I just wasn't expecting to be sat under an air conditioning unit for 9 hours! I'm not allowed to wear a hoody at work due to my office's employee dress code, and as I heal in a few days normally (this is my 10th tattoo) I didn't think I'd need to buy any nipple covers for one day of work! My colleague didn't mean any harm by it, and actually apologized once he read some of these comments! so thanks guys :)
Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML
Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML
Today, a gothic 16-year-old with a bread knife tried to mug me. After warning her to back off multiple times, I punched her in the face. She ran off crying and reported me to the police. They don't believe my side of the story. FML
Today, Christmas is around the corner. I ordered my mom's gift in August to avoid Christmas shopping madness and hid it so she wouldn't find it. Now I can't find it either. FML
Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML
Today, while working in a blood drawing clinic, a mom sat in the chair holding her 4-year-old child, who kicked me square in the groin. Being a heavyset lady, I shrugged it off and collected the sample, while the child screamed, "Kicking worked on the last man that did this!" FML
Today, I was told that since I've had only three or four periods since 2013, there's 60 periods worth of blood clotted in my uterus. They gave me medicine to make it all come out in one week. FML
Today, I went searching for my old school laptop only to find that my stepdad had swiped it and given it to his mother. My sex tapes and nudes are on it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went hiking in the mountains. She didn't tell me that she had packed meat to cook in my bag. About two hours after we set out, a wolf attacked me but I pepper sprayed it and it ran off. After that my girlfriend looked at me and said "You didn't have to hurt the doggy." FML
Today, I farted myself awake, in a car full of my boyfriend's family. FML
Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML
Today, I'm in such pain due to my period cramps that I haven't been able to eat anything. My religious mother refuses to allow me to take birth control to help regulate the pain as it would "tempt" me to "become sexually active". FML
Caitlin Mcloughlin tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here! I have no idea how this login system works so I think I ended up creating a new profile. Anyway, for now I'm better, thank you so much for your support! As for a more permanent solution, fortunately I'm moving out next year to go to college, and so I'll be able to sort myself out with medication then. I'm honestly super surprised that my FML ended up published - thanks again for your sympathies!
Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest breasts in the class. I'm their teacher. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML
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