Today, I found out that I’m the only guy in my family that's circumcised. When I asked my parents why they did it, they told me that they wanted me to be “different”. I have 3 older brothers and 5 older cousins. I finally get their helmet jokes. FML
Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML
Today, I was telling a close friend about the devastating discovery of my husband’s cheating. Turns out, she may be giving my children a half-sister for Christmas. FML
Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who is also my boss, was giving me a blowjob at work. Halfway through, his boss knocked on the door and I had to quickly get dressed and slip out the other door. After leaving, I realized that I was still barefoot and I had to walk back to my desk in front of my colleagues. FML
Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML
Today, I was woken up from a dead sleep because a bug had fallen into my ear. I could hear it moving around in there, and it took me an hour with a blade of grass in my ear to get it to climb its way back out. FML
ErinShannon tells us more.
ErinShannon 27
OP here, I freaked out the first few minutes and was like " DAD THERE IS A ******* BUG IN MY EAR WHAT DO I DO?!?! " and kept trying to dig it out. So I googled " what to do when a bug falls into you ear. " top suggestion was to not stick anything ( like fingers ) in there to get it out because you could push it further in and to get some grass so the bug can climb onto something it knows to escape. So thats what I did. If I had of kept looking there were probably easier ways but at the time I was worried it would go deeper or something. It is the grossest, weirdest sounding and feeling I have ever experienced. Especially since whatever it was, it had wings and was trying to fly inside my damn ear. Banging ones head against a pillow while laying down doesnt help either, just made it make more noise. Thanks for all comments saying I was brave. Haha.
Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML
Today, due to a new tattoo, I can't wear a bra for the next few days. My coworker knows about it and thought it would be funny to blast the air-con all day. I swear I could have used my nipples to type this, instead of my fingers. FML
milliepede tells us more.
milliepede 14
Hi guys! OP here, I know it's a bit late, but here's some more detail. The tattoo I got was an under boob piece, so it's highest point reaches mid cleavage, lowest point in about an inch above my belly button, and it is the width of my entire torso. I had a vest top on underneath my work blouse, and a heavier work blouse on than I would normally wear to combat any nip attacks during the day, I just wasn't expecting to be sat under an air conditioning unit for 9 hours! I'm not allowed to wear a hoody at work due to my office's employee dress code, and as I heal in a few days normally (this is my 10th tattoo) I didn't think I'd need to buy any nipple covers for one day of work! My colleague didn't mean any harm by it, and actually apologized once he read some of these comments! so thanks guys :)
Today, while driving me to the airport for a trip to Japan, my mother started crying. When I asked her why, she said, "I just know that if the plane crashes, I will never see you again because you are going to hell." Thank you, mom. I love you too. FML
Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML
Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML
Today, a gothic 16-year-old with a bread knife tried to mug me. After warning her to back off multiple times, I punched her in the face. She ran off crying and reported me to the police. They don't believe my side of the story. FML
Today, Christmas is around the corner. I ordered my mom's gift in August to avoid Christmas shopping madness and hid it so she wouldn't find it. Now I can't find it either. FML
Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML
Today, while working in a blood drawing clinic, a mom sat in the chair holding her 4-year-old child, who kicked me square in the groin. Being a heavyset lady, I shrugged it off and collected the sample, while the child screamed, "Kicking worked on the last man that did this!" FML
Today, I was told that since I've had only three or four periods since 2013, there's 60 periods worth of blood clotted in my uterus. They gave me medicine to make it all come out in one week. FML
Today, I went searching for my old school laptop only to find that my stepdad had swiped it and given it to his mother. My sex tapes and nudes are on it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went hiking in the mountains. She didn't tell me that she had packed meat to cook in my bag. About two hours after we set out, a wolf attacked me but I pepper sprayed it and it ran off. After that my girlfriend looked at me and said "You didn't have to hurt the doggy." FML
Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML
Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML
Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML
Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML
Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML
Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML
Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML
Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML
Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML
Today, my wife informed me that she wants a boyfriend but doesn't want a divorce. Also, apparently I'm horrible for not "respecting her feelings" when I told her she can't have both. FML
Today, my roommates sat me down and said we need to have a serious chat. I was worried, until they asked me if I could quit my new night job. When I asked why, they said it was because I wasn't home anymore to cook them dinner. FML
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