Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Bad start
Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML
Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML
Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML
Love isn't…
Today, I found out my boyfriend made a move to hook up with my best friend. She was about to reciprocate, only for him to suddenly tell her that she’s a horrible friend, and then he told me about it. I’m not sure if I should be picking sides here. FML
Freudian slip
Today, while spacing out about my hot male boss, he called my name for something and I replied, "Yes Daddy?" FML
Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML
Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He faltered and replied, "Uh, my dick does." FML
Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML
Good boy
Today, I realized my boyfriend rather qualifies as a pet: He loves eating, he hardly ever talks or listens, but he is cuddly, always enjoys having me around and can – within limits - be trained to do useful things. FML
Today, I'm fostering a very shy cat who doesn't like to be held. I had to move the litter box to another room, but when I picked him up to show him where I'd moved it to, he peed on me. FML
It's a trap!
Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML
Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML
Excuuuuuuuuse me!
Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML
Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML
Kinda weird
Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML
Today, I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. FML
And you ask find yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"
Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML
STOOOOP
Today, I had surgery done to fix an ingrown toenail. When the doctor started cutting the nail, my toe wasn't entirely numb. FML
Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML
Today, things were getting heated with the girlfriend. We were mostly naked, but mostly wouldn't do, so I kissed her deeply and whispered into her ear, "You should lose some weight". Clothes. I meant to say clothes. FML
Spooprfailed tells us more.
Hello folks. Just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions! 1) My girlfriend is both beautiful and very fit. Which is incredibly lucky about me because... 2) We laughed hysterically about it for a while, since it was just such a ridiculous thing to come out of my mouth. The mood WAS ruined for a little while (but not for too long ;) she's THAT awesome), but we've been laughing about it ever since. I am very happy not single (despite my scumbag brain's best efforts). And for anyone who things this reply sounds as if I had a gun to my head and was writing whatever my gf told me to... please call 911
Today, the owner of the restaurant I work at texted me to let me know the manager does not want me to come in anymore. Why? I'm the most praised of the staff by the customers and they love me, which makes the manager look bad. The owner hired me solely for customer service in the first place. FML
browneyedgirlx3 tells us more.
Hi guys, OP here. Just going to give a bit more detail: the restaurant is Chinese, owned and employed by 99% Chinese. Their culture is entirely foreign to me, and while I did my best to understand it, I've come away from this with the thought process that they are just extremely condescending to anyone who is not Chinese/Asian. The owner hired me specifically to be able to communicate with "Western" customers, as while the staff could speak English, it is not the native language of any of them, and they could not joke and chat with customers the way I could; they were looking specifically for someone of "Western" culture (their words). There were multiple customers who: A) quickly became regulars, despite the restaurant having only just opened, and; B) praised me to many members of the staff, including the manager. The first time I heard a customer tell the manager how good my service was, his response was literally an emotionless: "All staff is good." There were many customers who were disgusted with his treatment of them, and while I tried to defend his actions (and I saved the restaurant losing least one customer [who ended up having a nearly $400 bill] by doing this) by explaining his English was so poor that he did not like to keep conversation going too long, I now think he really is just a grumpy old Chinese man. Now, someone hit the nail on the head by suggesting the owner is inexperienced: this is his first restaurant. The manager has 40 years of restaurant knowledge. I have 6, and so while I understand I may be a bit behind in experience, it doesn't take a brainiac to know how to treat people with common curtesy and respect. This manager is extremely short with customers, barely looks them in the eye, and makes them feel very rushed in everything from ordering to being seated to leaving. He also left me stranded at the restaurant late at night when the busses had stopped running, and if it weren't for the kindness of one of the older waitresses, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten home. I had been thinking of leaving for a new job after that was done anyway, because I could not work with people who are so disrespectful and disregarding of others like that. That was the night I got the text message (last night), so obviously the decision was made for me, but I still think it's so shit how everything turned out. In terms of my job description, I did absolutely everything right (and did everything to alleviate the workload of others). It's just that no matter how much I tried, I just could not connect with any of the Chinese staff, and I think that's what inevitably led to my dismissal. Which, again, I think is shit, because the owner was specifically looking for a "Western" assistant manager (which they didn't give me; they advertised and I accepted the role of assistant manager, but I actually ended up being no more than a waitress/hostess, with the added responsibility of opening in the morning). If it was going to be such an issue with the Chinese staff, they should have never brought a "Western" in in the first place.
Spooky season has begun
Today, I was at work at a kiosk in the mall when I smelled something foul. I thought it was the weird dude who'd just walked by so I just carried on with my work. Minutes later, I looked to my right and there, lying on the floor a few feet from me, was a huge turd wrapped in toilet paper. FML
Corporate
Today, I was fired from my job for breaking my company's tattoo policy. I have a small scar on my wrist that roughly resembles a heart. My boss insists that it's one of those white ink tattoos. No one will believe me. FML
Drives
Today, and for months now, the meds that stop me from killing myself have killed my sex drive. My boyfriend, being stressed at work, initially assured me that his was also non existent and not to worry. I found out he's been wanking every day and hiding it from me so I don't feel bad. Now I know, I feel fucking awful. FML
Today, I've been so stressed out that I forgot my own birthday. I only remembered when my mom talked to me to let me know she wasn't planning on doing anything for it. FML
Pick your moments, dude!
Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic night. As we were having sex, he decided to say, "Look mom, no hands!" and it totally ruined the mood. FML
Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML
Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML
Breaking news
Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML