Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. Fifteen minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML
Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML
Today, I called a taxi after a night of partying. When it arrived, I realised I had no cash, so I told the driver I'd quickly grab some from an ATM. He made me leave my phone with him as collateral in case I was pulling a prank. He drove off the moment I turned my back. FML
Today, I went to this meditation center which my mom suggested to get mental peace as I have been hating my job and life for some time now. I drove for an hour and then walked around in scorching Indian sun for 2 hours trying to locate the damn place. I got lost and returned home angrier than ever. FML
Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML
Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML
Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML
Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML
Today, while jogging in the park, I saw a man acting strange and trying to talk to 3 little girls. I jogged over to their mother and warned her about a 'weirdo' lurking around her daughters. Turns out that 'weirdo' is the woman's disabled brother. FML
cristina_laila tells us more.
I saw a man wearing a bike helmet, flailing his arms and following the little girls around. I kept jogging and saw a woman sitting on a park bench texting. She was completely out of site of the girls. I kindly asked her if she was their mother. When she replied 'yes', I told her that I saw a man talking to her daughters and that he looked like a weirdo...that's when she told me that the 'weirdo' was her disabled brother. I apologized to her and took off. I'm not a judgmental person; I was acting on my instincts as a woman to protect these young girls. Believe me, I'm mortified!!!
Today, I woke up and realized I'd experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I'm a 24 year-old guy who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn't getting any. FML
Today, I was having a garage sale and my mother-in-law came by to see what I was selling. She decided to buy these ugly green wine glasses that were still unopened. It turns out that she gave those to my wife and me when we got married. FML
Today, my doctor told me I needed to eat more salt to keep my blood pressure from dropping dangerously low. He only shrugged when I pointed out that he had previously told me to eat a low-salt diet to control my vertigo. FML
bapbap_fml tells us more.
bapbap_fml 15
I'm already on a ton of medication anyways. I'm trying to find a balance between too much and too little salt, it's just tricky. My doctor is usually pretty helpful, more so that others I've seen. My health issues are just kind of complex so it's a handful trying to keep it all under control.
Today, while working at the bar, I accidentally spilled a beer on my chest. Several drunk men whistled and seemed to enjoy what they saw so much that they bought even more drinks and started coming onto me. My boss asked if I could do it again on my next shift. FML
Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML
Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML
Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML
Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML
Today, my grandmother's graduation presents came for my sisters. Not only did she remember to send them cards, but money too. My graduation was a year ago, I received nothing, and last time she saw me, she didn't know my name. FML
Chicharon tells us more.
This is my family. For your kind, understanding people, thanks, but she doesn't have Alzheimer's, she's just crazy, and she really didn't remember my name, but she had it down pretty good when she found out I work in an antique store and could get 50% off, and I'm 19, a little late for birthdays, she's my dad's mom, doesn't like my mom, and I look like my mom. All of my siblings are tan and brown eyed, I'm pale ad green eyed. She never liked me much. It's okay though, ha-ha, it's pretty mutual. I'm glad she moved to the other side of the country when I was little.
Today, I spun off the road and into a ditch. The insurance company told me I'd have to wait an hour, as they had other cars to tow first. I had to pee so badly that I resorted to using the only thing I had in my car: a plastic bag. That's when I got a knock on my window from the tow truck driver. FML
Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML
Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML
Today, after spending a few minutes de-icing my car and leaving the heat on so it would warm up, I slipped as I was entering the car and hit my head on the door, causing it to close and lock. I'm waiting for my mom who has a spare key to come and unlock it. Class started ten minutes ago. FML
Today, my husband of 19 years took our children out for dinner, told them he's gay, then sent them home to tell me for him. FML
trifioso tells us more.
trifioso 0
I am the OP, and I thank those of you who offered support to me, and my children. For the record: my husband and I divorced a month ago. I asked him REPEATEDLY what the status of his relationship was with his roommate, and he looked me right in the eye every time and denied they were involved. Two weeks after the divorce was granted in court, he told the kids the truth. FML only accepts stories that start with "today...." so yes, I fudged that bit a little. They have been together for two years. We were still in marriage counseling when they started up. And no, I didn't know. Seriously. I didn't, When someone you have known and loved for 20 years tell you something, you tend to believe it. Until you find out your whole life was a lie, that is.
Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML
Today, I found out my old DVD player is jealous of my Blu-ray player. It fell from the top of my closet and hit me in the head. FML
Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper and pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, and ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML
Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML
Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend, because he's too manipulative. By the time our chat ended, instead of being single, I'm somehow now committed to going on vacation with him and his family. FML
Today, a woman approached me in the street and slapped me, ranting about how I stole her man. I don't even know her man, or her, and I live over a thousand miles away in Scotland. I'm back in town for the first time since my childhood to attend a wedding. FML
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