Today, at the funeral home where I work, I asked my boss if it was time to "bring out the stiff". I didn't realize the guy's family was not only in the building, but within earshot as well. FML
Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML
Today, my 3 year old woke up at 2 am and refused to go back to sleep unless she could sleep with her father and me. Normally we would have said no, but both of us being so tired, we said yes. She slowly kicked me out of my side of the bed and now I have to sleep on the couch. FML
MissShei tells us more.
MissShei 10
OP here. She has recently been having nightmares and keeping us up half the night. We were both exhausted so we said fine. I got up to go pee and when I came back, she had thrown my pillow on the floor and completely took over my side of the bed. If I moved her, she would've started screaming again and I just wanted sleep. I let her father deal with her at that point! I did sleep well for the rest of the night :)
Today, my garage was flooded. Everything was ruined. My garage also happens to be my study, in which my entire art coursework was drying. My exam is tomorrow and all I have to hand in is a pile of mushy paper. FML
Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML
Today, a customer threatened to come back later and shoot the whole place up. Why? I didn't give him a discount on his beer. My boss's reaction when I called the police: "Why didn't you give him the discount?!" Last week he bitched me out for letting a girl off for being a few cents short on hers. FML
Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML
Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm. When I woke up, I checked my email again. There was no email from my professor. It was a dream. FML
Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML
Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML
Today, I introduced my family to beerpong. They especially liked the part about distracting each other while shooting. My grandma flashed me. FML
Today, I worked for three hours writing very neat notes with one of those pens that erase. I felt very accomplished, so decided to share it on Facebook. I brought my computer over to my lap on top of my notes. Turns out heat from laptops smudges ink from eraseable pens. I can't read my notes. FML
Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML
Today, I was at my nursing internship. After helping a patient get into bed, I began to walk out of the room when I heard him say to another nurse, "Now that was a king sized lady". To make things even better, she didn't understand him the first time and I got to hear him say it again. FML
melody91 tells us more.
Op here! I was happy to see all of the supportive comments I got, I was expecting a lot of negative comments from judgmental people and there were only a few. I am a bit over weight but I have been working on it, I've lost 40 pounds in the last year with 30 to go. I am also pretty tall for a woman (just under 6'). I'm still not sure if he was commenting on my height or weight (maybe a combination of both). The adorable 94 year old man who made this comment is very sweet normally, so my ego was a little hurt for a while but I decided to brush it off :-)
Today, I had a 10-hour shift that started at 5 a.m. We can't leave until relief comes and we don't get paid for overtime if our relief is late. The good news is my relief came early. The bad news is he went on a smoke break and never came back. They want me to stay until we close and I'm the only cashier. FML
Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML
Today, I realized I've been acting very paranoid lately. I was mugged a few weeks ago, so I've been nervous. I've been holding my hands in my pockets and looking around on my way outside from work. Apparently, that's grounds to arrest someone under suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon. FML
Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML
Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML
Today, my boss wanted to promote me to a managerial position. I declined the position, saying that I don't think I'm ready and experienced enough for that role. I was then fired instead for not accepting the promotion. I was fired for being honest. FML
Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted, "I'm going to kill you and use your head as a hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML
Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML
Today, I was writing out palm cards and didn't know if I'd spelled a word correctly, so I stared at it for about 10 seconds waiting for spell check to tell me if it was right or not before I realised I was writing on paper. FML
Today, I finally scrounged up enough change to do laundry, so I loaded up my car, swung by the bank to take out my rent money, and stopped at a gas station to get a drink. When I came outside, my car was gone, along with all my clothes and rent money. FML
CaptainKidd_fml tells us more.
No, I didn't leave the car running. I do leave an extra set I keep hidden in the car so in the two minutes I was gone, I guess they got lucky. To clear up some confusion, I'm a college student and have to live paycheck to paycheck. I don't get paid nearly enough at my job, and as soon as I get paid, that money goes to rent, leaving just enough for food. For laundry, I save up the change I get from work until I have enough to do a load.
Today, my family and I were checking into Dubai airport. I had already checked in and was waiting with my brother and sister near a pillar for my parents. I leaned on the pillar and hit my elbow on the fire alarm. A bunch of airport officials ran towards me and asked where the fire was. FML
hdmi_fml tells us more.
hdmi_fml 0
you guys, there's a word limit... i couldn't say that at least 500 people looked at me as though i killed someone, plus the officials were all pakistani so i had to translate what happened...then my grandma started shoutin at me for being a fool and Dubai airport is toooooo big...
Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML
Today, I finished moving cross-country and signed a 13 month lease to be closer to my on-again / off-again boyfriend of the past five years. I showed up at his place to borrow his truck just as his "local" girlfriend was leaving. FML
RoadGoesOn4Ever tells us more.
I'm the OP. I originally moved away from him to finish my degree/get my Masters. We've been on and off because he runs private security for the government and spends the majority of his time overseas. I signed a 13 month lease because I wanted to live in a house and I have two big dogs. He was all for me moving out here. Long story short, IMO: the situation blows, we're over and done with, and I have an awesome new house/job in Vegas.
Today, I got a call from my manager saying that I won't need to work this weekend. Too bad I already cancelled a family vacation because he threatened to fire me if I didn't work this weekend. FML
Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML
Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. Fifteen minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML
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