Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, and the woman he cheated on me with. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML
Get it on
Today, after a great night of sexual ecstacy, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year-old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night, he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML
Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML
Today, my boss fired me because he said I was spending too much time surfing the internet. When I reminded him that my work computer isn't even networked, he said, "Oh, sorry, you're the one who takes too many smoke breaks." When I told him that I don't even smoke, he said, "Just go..." FML
Myzyri tells us more.
Myzyri 0
I am the original poster. Several people (not from this website) suggested I sue. For $250, I got a lawyer to write a threatening letter to my previous employer. By the way, I worked in the accounting department for a beer distributor with about 80 locations in the midwest. The lawyer kept it vague since my employment was "at will," but did mention the Civil Rights Act hoping it might scare them a little since Civil Rights violations are bad for business reputations. Basically, I'd heard my old boss telling jokes about blacks, Hispanics, Polish people, etc. With me being Polish (half-Polish, but with a "ski" name), my attorney said it was the only possibility we had so long as we could get other people to say they'd heard him tell these jokes. It would show that he was prejudiced by nationality (national origin). I knew several of my co-workers had heard his jokes before and thought they were distasteful, but I wasn't sure they'd come forward since they were still employed there. We knew it was a long-shot, but for $250, I figured we'd try anyway and maybe they'd settle quickly and easily just to make me go away. I doubted that would happen, but I was thinking it was worth it if I could at least get a little money out of them to help my family make it through if I couldn't get another job for awhile. Anyway, the VP (the owner's son) actually called me to get details on what happened. I basically told him that my boss was always snotty with me and based on his jokes, it might be because I'm a "Pollack." Apparently, when my old boss filled out the paperwork for my termination, he wrote down that he fired me because of excessive tardiness (I have NEVER been late and, in fact, I was ALWAYS 30-45 minutes early even though I was salaried). I explained the situation from my perspective and the VP said he'd get back to me. Three days later, he called me and said that he personally looked into it. The electronic access cards we use to get into the building have a database that records when people come and go. It proved I had been EARLY and hadn't missed a day of work in the last 6 months (that's as far back as the records went). He said he also talked to my co-workers about my "level of character" and my old boss. Based on everything he found out, he fired my old boss for falsifying company documents (my termination papers). In the end, since I met all the qualifications for my boss's job, the VP offered it to me. It comes with a five year contract instead of "at will" employment and even better, it's a 20% pay increase. Finally, to seal the deal, they gave me an $8,000 signing bonus. I've decided not to sue and I start again on Monday! FML Rescinded.
Today, I was driving in my car when out of the corner of my eye I notice a car pulling up next to me trying to get past me. I speed up, so as not to let the car pass me. It took me a while before I noticed I was racing against the shadow of my own car. FML
Let down
Today, my boyfriend saw my boobs for the first time. His reaction was, "Well that's... disappointing". FML
Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML
Today, I was breast feeding my son. Out of nowhere, he bit my nipple hard, causing me to scream in pain. He giggled with my nipple still between his teeth. FML
sierraleeannee tells us more.
OP here. I can't believe this got posted before I went to bed! Hahaha! For some reason this got edited out, but he ended up smacking me in the face after he bit me. He's 9 months old so he thinks it's hilarious obviously. And I'm not sure why it didn't show my name, I posted it while logged in. And as for the person who said time for bottle feeding, he won't take a bottle, which is fine with me! He's teething so he tends to bite more when he is. Glad to know my son has made people laugh :)
Well played
Today, after spending 6 months and $15,000 on lawyer fees at my 13 year-old son's request, his abusive, alcoholic father no longer has any legal right to see him. How did my son repay me? He ran away to live with his father the very first time I told him he couldn't have friends sleep over. FML
Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's Catholic all girls high school to ask her to prom by decorating her car. As soon as I walked on campus the school went into lock down because of a "suspicious male intruder." When I saw my girlfriend, she denied knowing me. I was arrested. FML
Today, my constant bragging to friends caught up with me, and everyone believes I'm a swinger. Because of this, no girl wants to go out with me, in case they become just another notch under my belt. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML
Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML
Today, my friends thought it would be hilarious to show me Marley and Me the day right after I had to put down my dog. I had my dog for 11 years. FML
The Anti-Karen
Today, while bitching some girl out for spilling coffee all over me, she looked at me with accepting eyes and after I'd finished said, "I can understand your anger, big girls like you get grumpy when they're hungry." FML
Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML
Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML
Today, it's my 20th birthday! Happy birthday to me! My boyfriend threw a beer can through my back wind-shield after breaking up with me. FML
Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML
Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML
Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML
Today, I was hit by a car. My sister ran to see if her phone I was carrying in my purse was okay. She screamed at me while I lay in the street because I was so dumb, and that I couldn't even watch for cars. Her screen was cracked. I had to call 911 for myself. FML
hockey9797 tells us more.
yeah i broke both my arm and leg on my right side and a few ribs it's not fake
Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML
Today, I busted my ass to help this old lady move her stuff because she was going to a nursing home. I was told I would get paid. When I finished four hours later the lady took me to a room and told me to pick out anything in her little goody bag. I got a race car as payment. FML
Today, as I walked home, I heard the people behind me in an argument over my gender. FML
Getting on
Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML
Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML
Today, I almost got kidnapped. Again. FML