Today, after feeling fat and ugly and a bit depressed, I logged on to Facebook to see my boyfriend had posted "I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world!" I 'liked' it and commented "Aww thank you baby!" I logged in later to see that he commented back saying "I didn't mean you." FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Today, while grabbing a husk of corn out of the boiling hot pot, I splashed hot water on my neck, dropped the corn on my injured toe, and cut myself on the counters, all while my family laughed at my pain. FML
Today, my 9 year-old little sister is coming back to town with the rest of my family. She specifically asked me to feed her fish. I totally forgot until she called me 10 minutes ago to tell me she was on her way home and couldn't wait to see her fishie. He's dead. FML
It's on me
Today, it's my birthday. My best friend called me at work and offered to take me out to lunch. When he went to pay for the meal, his card was declined so I told him not to worry and that I would pay for the birthday meal. He looked at me and said, "It's your birthday?" He was serious. FML
Today, I was working at Target when an old woman asked me if I could help her find her favorite bra. I asked what brand it was when she replied "I'll check the tag". She lifted up the front of her shirt, and flipped one cup of her bra inside out. I saw everything. FML
Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML
Scream
Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML
Today, I have Hello Kitty band-aids on my nips because I dozed off while tanning and burned them extra crispy. FML
Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML
Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML
Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML
Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML
What a question…
Today, my science teacher decided not to recommend me for an honors science class for next year. The reason? Last week, I made the mistake of asking whether spray tans give vitamins in the same way as the sun. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML
PLEASE STOP
Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML
Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML
Bathroom menace
Today, I used the restroom at a department store. While I was in my stall, I overheard a little girl say to her mother, "I see someone wearing pink!" I remembered that I was wearing pink just as she finished her thought, "…and she's pooping." She was peeking at me through the stall. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend watches porn. Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. In the next room. We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. FML
Perfect
Today, I had a surprise birthday party thrown in my honor. All of my friends and family had been invited, and all of the details were perfect. Who threw the party for me? My ex-girlfriend who I dumped last week for "not being thoughtful enough." FML
Today, my fiancé and I were planning to move to a cheaper apartment which my mother agreed to rent us. She was very supportive and excited that we'd be closer, and it was great until she gave us a list of books, movies, games, etc. that we can't bring because they're "demonic". FML
ElhonnaDS tells us more.
OP here- A couple of points of clarification: 1) She wasn't paying the bills- I was looking for a cheaper apartment. We'd have gone down from a 3-bedroom to a studio. Where I live, I would have been paying a pretty standard rate for what a studio is- it was just convenient to be renting from family, with whom I generally get along. 2) He's my fiancee now. We'd have been married by the time we moved in. 3) She has definitely had some interesting idea manifest over the last couple of years, as she has begun reading the Gospel according to Saint Google. It seems these days she will take any chain e-mail she gets with about the same degree of seriousness as the actual Bible. For most of my life, we have had very normal and respectful boundaries about our differences in belief. I knew she had some odd ideas, but the idea that she would demand to have control over every book, movie, piece of clothing, game, etc. that we had in an apartment we were paying to rent was much further out than I thought she was. 4) When I say she thinks they are demonic, I don't mean she doesn't want me watching Hellboy or other movies that are about demons. What she specifically said is that the physical objects (outlined as movies and books that depicted violence, sex, horror, fantasy, aliens, superheroes, any object that had any cultural reference that could be traced to a non-Christian religion or superstition, satanic heavy metal and video games, etc.) were actually all carrying demonic spirits in a real and physical sense, which would be brought into the apartment with them, and she needed to protect herself by not letting us bring the demons in (the apartment, while having a separate entrance, is attached to her house). So, needless to say, we thanked her very much and cancelled our plans to move into that apartment pretty much immediately. The FML is mostly that she's so far gone from when I was younger, and that she sprung this on us after we told everyone we were taking the apartment, rather than up front when we discussed rent, parking, furniture and pretty much every other detail.
Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML
Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that she wasn't really in love with me. She got that advice from an internet survey. FML
Bad idea
Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML
Today, I'm five and a half weeks pregnant. One of my coworkers told me that it sucks that I'll have to wait so long to show. I asked her what she meant; she replied, "It's always harder to tell when big girls are pregnant. Can't tell what's fat and what's baby." FML
pregnantfatty tells us more.
OP here. There are two reasons anyone at work knows I'm pregnant at this stage in the game. Background: I stopped taking birth control 2 years ago and have had six periods in that time. I work in a doctor's office-I'm a nurse. My coworkers that work directly with me often convince me to take pregnancy tests because my cycle is so irregular. I was experiencing what I thought were PMs symptoms-breast tenderness (to the point that it was painful to take my bra off at night), much more fatigue than usual, hormonal headaches, and some nausea when trying to eat in the morning but especially at night. I wasn't too concerned because the headaches had me convinced it was my period. My coworkers thought otherwise and told me after about two weeks of these symptoms that I was taking a pregnancy test on a Monday if I didn't start my period over the weekend. Well, I didn't get my period, obviously. I came in to work and that was the first thing the girls asked. I said no and was handed a urine sample cup. At that point, I was still convinced there was no way it was positive, so I did my sample, came back and gave it to the girl who was 100% sure I was pregnant, telling her "I don't even need to watch, I know it's negative!" Well, lo and behold, my pink positive line came up before the control line even showed up and my coworker rushed to my desk and said "congratulations!!!" I took 4 more tests that day and swore my coworkers to secrecy until I could tell my boyfriend-who was shocked because we had unprotected sex literally once and bam. I told one of my other coworkers the next day-she's also a nurse and was one of my preceptors when I was a student. I wanted to know what I should tell our boss. I am currently covering someone's maternity leave at work, which ends in December, and then I theoretically go back to being casual. She told me I had to tell our boss immediately-apparently you have to work a certain number of hours to have maternity leave regardless of whether or not your position is permanent so she said "tell her and get your leave!" I told my boss, who was completely thrilled and told me that whatever I decided, there was a job for me in some capacity at our clinic so it went well. As for telling everyone when it's so early, I spoke with one of the docs I work with regarding prenatal testing because I don't have a doc. I put my name in his schedule so he could bill for it and stupidly thought that nobody would look in my chart. As for my coworker, she's less than 5 feet tall and probably has a good 30 lbs on me. I'm not a stick, but I'm not "plus-sized" either. Before finding out I was pregnant, I had lost 20 lbs in order to help facilitate my boyfriend and I having kids... Down the road. If you stayed with this novel of a follow-up, thanks for reading!
Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML
Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML
Family matters
Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML
Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML
Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML