Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, the only conversation I had with my mother where she didn't explode into a hissy fit was about peanut butter vs. almond butter. And even then she was starting to get mad at me. FML
Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML
Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML
Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML
Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML
Today, it was my birthday. My only birthday present was a cake that my dad bought from Walmart. Well, it sure looked tasty. The only problem: it had nuts on it. Guess what I'm highly allergic too? At least my dad told me he'd "tell me how it tastes." FML
Today, my dad insisted on taking us to a local buffet that is known for bad food and botulism. He kept piling things onto a plate for me, despite my objections. A waitress commented on how much was on my plate. I told her I wasn't hungry, and it was my dad's doing. Her response, "Your skinny self needs to eat." FML
Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML
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Top comments
Midrash 5
I am surprise a guy like that was able to get laid
RedPillSucks 33
I feel the same way about girl scout cookies.
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Comments (134)
vsat207 0
You should buy smooth peanut butter and put peanuts in there just to see what happens
vsat207 0
Hence why I said add them
gntfmlingnow 12
Alan, I think she means she knows it doesn't contain full peanuts, not that it doesn't have peanuts in it
Midrash 5
15 - Wow. U just made me lose all hope for the human race.
vsat207 0
I'll let you in on a little secret, not everything said on this site is serious.
13FTW 9
23, oohhhh bitch pleeaaasse. You did not just try to one up Alan did you? Just by attempting to argue with such a god of FML makes your argument invalid.
ikickgingers 15
All this sarcasm is turning me on.
ripgeorgecarl1n 7
Alan, why u no let me thumb up comments?
enonymous 9
Everytime I order a hot dog I'm disappointed there's no dog in it...
RedPillSucks 33
I feel the same way about girl scout cookies.
13FTW 9
Alan, drunk ain't enough, you need to be totally ******* wasted!
Chazyj 4
Got to love getting owned but the FML team :-p
txgirl2013 14
blondes are smarter than you right now
Jammy01jams 2
Oh my god. I simply cannot believe there is someone with this level of idiocy on this site. Please tell me you are joking Vsat... :(
FarSide 23
Pitiful. Just pitiful.
EvilPotato 15
Vsat, you are suffering from a disorder I call extreme stupidity, I should know I'm a doctor, and also there's no cure. Alan you are suffering from a disorder called extreme ******* ownage, like stupidity, it cannot be cured, your either born with it, or not.
captainfalcon7 0
he's allergic to peanuts so he doesn't want them in his peanut butter. How doesn't that make sense?
LouisianaBob 9
Your sarcasm won't work here mister
Victoire_W 0
Listen lemonass, peanut butter, smooth OR chunky, are both made of peanuts. Make sence?
melikeyturtles 3
*sense
gurly98 13
Dude u don't have to insult him
gurly98 13
Vhvh
HowAreYouToday 34
-.- this thread made me facepalm... So much
Ali_Br_fml 33
Or you can crush up the nuts in front of him, then say... "Smooth PEANUT butter coming up!" I mean c'mon, he could have just said he doesn't like his peanutbutter crunchy.
chunkolard 1
Ur ****** dumb, Vic.
panda_heroo 0
Are you an idiot?
annihil8or 15
Hey dummy, peanut better is made outta peanuts
djack0113 0
Because it's ******* peanut butter
ilyphilip 2
peanut butters made from peanuts idiot
Unlucky_Gun 0
Haha you said peanut better
TheEpicPies 15
It makes SENSE not SENCE.
doglover100 29
I can't believe someone asked that.
Coalke 5
You guys. It was sarcasm! Really! It was dripping, people!
Midrash 5
I am surprise a guy like that was able to get laid
eharmonee 0
He might not have. She could have been adopted!(:
IKickPuppiesHard 16
No the real question is how does someone old enough to go buy peanut butter by themself not know their dad is allergic to peanuts?
Kdawgg01 2
You deserved it simply for buying chunky peanut butter you sick freak
melchibr_fml 0
You should be locked up in a mental institute for a Long time. Buying chunky peanut butter for someone with a peanut allergy is sick and psychotic!
leena24 11
68... try reading the original post before putting someone else down
harmonyrulez 0
That is so true. Chunky peanut butter should be outlawed. I am thoroughly disgusted. Smh.
alpaquette91 9
Tell him he's allergic so he can't eat peanut butter, there for it doesn't matter what type of peanut butter you get. Your the only one eating it
linko_fml 0
Good one.
meliesFML 0
actually, I'm allergic to peanuts & for an odd reason chunky peanutbutter gives me an allergic reaction cause of the peanuts but smooth doesn't. so what he's saying actually makes sense.
alpaquette91 9
Omg Alan wrote on my post eeeekkkkeeee I'm soooo excited :D
rkmepm 16
If only you used the right grammar I would have understood your point of view
FarSide 23
I swear some of you are nucking futs.
alpaquette91 9
SARCASM!!!!
CookieMonstr19 0
Heyyy ur on the FML Team....cool!! ;p
CookieMonstr19 0
Cool Alan wrote on ur post....u lucky son of a bitch.
CookieMonstr19 0
Cool Alan Wrote On Ur Post...Lucky
Harlson13 0
It makes perfect sense!!!
doyouloveme6543 0
No it doesn't. Peanut butter is MADE of peanuts. Even the smooth kind which, btw, is nasty crap.
stevenJB 25
131)....your stupid. :P
linko_fml 0
The dog likes either kind ;)
mintcar 10
Hahaha
doogy15 11
Lol cleaver =D
shazza26 1
65, you don't get it
FarSide 23
But the dog prefers JIF over Skippy.
linko_fml 0
And shut up and make him a sandwich.
captainfalcon7 0
makes sense to me.. I'm allergic to bees and I wouldn't want bees in my peanut butter.
Harlson13 0
That made my day
bones_17 5
In this case being adopted would seem better Then with a dad like this :p
silver848 6
Bone 17 ur an epic dumbassssssss.