Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML
Today, I asked out the girl I really like. She turned me down, saying that she's a lesbian. That'd be fine, if I were a guy. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML
Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML
Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML
Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML
Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test, saying, "Well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML
Today, I was driving when I saw that a cute guy was staring at me. Flattered, I smiled at him, but he didn't even react. I realized he wasn't admiring me, he was admiring my truck. This is the fifth time this week. My truck gets more game than I do. FML
Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML
Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office, all of them guys, were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw that the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML
Today, thinking no one was home, I decided to be a little frisky with my boyfriend. I guess I was being loud and woke up my sleeping autistic brother the room over. Halfway through, he burst through the door, panicking. He thought I was having another one of my asthma attacks. FML
Today, my dad awkwardly asked me how to selectively clear his browser history. Apparently, my mom discovered his browsing habits and tore him a new one for looking at "nothing but vile smut". FML
Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML
Today, I went to the airport for my two week trip to explore Europe. My ticket was denied and the workers turned me away. When I asked why, they told me to check the date. My ticket was for June 22nd, not July. FML
Today, I was fired from my volunteer job. Why? Because they said I was working so hard and doing such a good job that I was making the real staff look bad. FML
SDworkinggirl tells us more.
Okay so let me clarify some things that people are either stupid or confused about. I voluteered in an organization that has retirement homes all over the country, and helps seniors with limited means. I started volunteering, because it looks good on a resume and I was having a hard time getting a job. So I started volunteering at this retirement home, but I quickly grew to love it, and soon I was working hard because I truely enjoyed visiting with the seniors and delivering mail to them, among the other things I did there. Unknown to me, some of the residents started to complain about how I was nicer and more caring than most of the nurses. They didn't hire me because, I am not a nurse, and I don't have a college degree yet, so there was no position open for me. And the guy who "fired" me let me know why I was being let go, kinda in secret otherwise I doubt I would have been told why they let me go.
Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML
Today, I finally got around to writing my Christmas cards. After finishing, I realized I had written "Happy Birthday" instead of "Merry Christmas" on every single one. FML
Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML
Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML
Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML
Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML
Today, I flew from Australia to the UK to meet the woman I love. After two years of talking, and having gotten a love letter for my birthday a few months prior, I was convinced we'd have a great time. Turns out she doesn't know what she feels for me. I'm staying with her for the next 35 days. FML
RabbitOfAurora tells us more.
Okay, for all of you who were wondering how this thing ended? With her mother screaming at me to "Get out right now or I'll call the police" Apparently the whole time I was there I "offended everyone" and made "the atmosphere absolutely unbearable" I was also "Vile" an "ungrateful" She knows this FML is here, and so I won't even try defending myself because I don't want an argument or something to break out over it. The last straw pretty much came when I posted a status on facebook about a conversation her mother and I had. I didn't name names, and only stated that I didn't care how overly cautious I looked for not doing X because I could hurt myself pretty badly doing it (because I am overweight and so risk of injury increases). she took this as me having a "Dig" at her. As her opinion was pretty much I should do it anyway, or that I should loose weight with diet and exercise and then do it. I found this so offensive because over the last 15 weeks or so I've lost 12 kilos, I'm also recovering from a bulging disk pressing against my sciatic nerve. I don't know if you all know how much that hurts, but at the worst I was almost passing out, vomiting, and loosing control of both my bladder and bowels, all at once, just standing up. The only reason I was okay is because I used some serious will power. That was 9 months ago. Three months ago, I couldn't even stand long enough to heat up soup because the pain was so bad. I'm actually surprised I was okay enough to do this trip anyway. I had some decent pain killers that really helped. I'm getting there in my own time. I honestly think that by this point they were looking for reasons to kick me to the curb. This girl is very, VERY different in person. Still not a bad person by any definition of the word, but so different to how I ever expected.. I'm actually still rather shocked. Guess she felt the same about me too. Pretty much the whole time, we were all pretty miserable so I came home a week early. I've been home for almost 8 hours and will be celebrating the new year with my mum. I have chosen to no longer have contact with her or her family. I'm ready to put this all behind me and start next year all new and fresh. All this was just a play by play of the last day or so, obviously things go way deeper, but this is not the place for that. If I could go back in time, I probably would cancel the trip and save all the money I spent.. Possibly salvage the friendship too. But at least on the up side, I learned a lot about who I am through this. It could have been an amazing love story, now it's a tragic romance that pretty much equates to "At least I did something with my life at one point, even if it didn't work" My fellow FMLers, I think it's important to go after what you want, even if you don't want the same thing by the end. you need to take risks and put them behind you if they don't pay off. Forward is the best way to go. I wish you all a happy new year full of wonderful stories too good to submit on this site. XOXO - Rabbit Of Aurora <3
Today, my girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating the little things in life. She's starting with my penis. FML
Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML
Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML
Today, I was walking by a pond when I saw a small frog. I decided to catch it to get a close look. After I picked it up, I realized that it was not a frog. It was dog shit shaped like a frog. FML
Today, I was talking to a girl. It was going pretty well until she said, "LOL." What's so bad about that? We weren't texting. FML
MyUsernameisEpic tells us more.
Okay, so this is my FML. The girl is 15, and we have classes together in school. I didn't really mind that she said it, but it was funny. That's why I decided to share it on here, and it actually got posted! Anyway, back to the story. We were talking in class about something and I made a joke and she started giggling and then, she said, "LOL!" Like, "el-oh-el". Also, I should mention that I wasn't flirting with her or anything. I'm not pursuing a relationship with her, but if I was, I wouldn't completely freak out and change my mind because she said lol. That'd make me a judgmental prick. That'd be pretty screwed up of me. Lastly, I'd like to say that I am friends with her, and just because she said lol, that doesn't mean I think she's stupid or anything.
Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML
Today, my cousin suddenly confided in me that he had tried to commit suicide by overdosing when he was 17. Shocked and not knowing how to respond, I blurted out, "Did it work?" FML
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