Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML
Today, I was snooping around in my parents' closet to see what I would get for Christmas, when I came across a UPS package. It was the video game I ordered off eBay 3 weeks ago, addressed to me. They told me it had never arrived and said I should ask Santa to bring it to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML
Today, my parents got me a new computer for my birthday. They also took the liberty of throwing out my old computer, with 8 years of photos, videos, music, documents, emails, and bookmarks on it. But that's okay, I had a backup. They threw that out too. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the bathroom, but decided to wait. After about an hour, I went to the restroom. I pissed for so long that when I walked out her family all started clapping. FML
Today, I got pulled over for speeding and got a $200 ticket. After I pulled away, I decided to warn the next car about the cop up ahead by flashing my headlights. The next car was another cop. He didn't appreciate my "help". FML
Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML
Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML
Today, while I was on a date, I noticed my ex-boyfriend in the restaurant, and he looked sad. So I walked over to see him and jokingly said, "You look like your mom died or something!" She had. FML
Today, my dad and I were at the grocery store buying toilet paper. As we walk out I see these two attractive guys that I know. My dad gets that I think they're cute, so he shouts "Hey babe, how's your stomach feeling now? Will this be enough for you?" They walk away laughing. FML
Today, at my house party, I caught my boyfriend having sex with my best friend. His excuse? He wanted to be better in bed for me. FML
sianydiddle tells us more.
sianydiddle 20
OP here! Can't believe this got posted! Let me shed some light on this. This was a few years ago now, I was with this complete turd for a year, and it's safe to say he's an ex. He used me, and made me think I was going crazy when he used to stay out for whole weekends without so much as a text, and came back with hickeys. He used to tell me it was all in my head and I stupidly believed him. With my 'friend', she was also his brothers girlfriend. His brother was with me when we caught them. She ran out of the house and never gave us an explanation, or an apology. She just ignored us, and to be honest, that suited me fine. With him saying he wanted to be better for me, I had no frame of reference, so that was just a load of bullshit. Silver lining in it all, I'm now with an amazing guy who treats me perfectly. My ex is still single from that day, no woman has been stupid enough to fall for him, which he deserves cause he broke my damn heart. Me and his bro are still friends. To all saying I should've joined them? No thanks, they seemed pretty contented with each other, which is great for them :)
Today, I went for my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. He walked into the room and said, "I thought you died." FML
Missusluv313 tells us more.
Hello everyone! Yes, he was joking. I just didn't find that shit funny. And he actually is a good doctor. But to make up for it, he gave me extra time off from work. I don't think he would do that to/for everybody, but I work at that hospital.
Today, I went to pick up my paycheck at the convenience store I work at. While there, two frat boys came in and bought seventeen 30 packs of beer. That comes to about $300. They spent more at the store in one day than I get paid in two weeks. FML
Today, mom was so upset when she found out that she is having another granddaughter that she wants us to pay her back for the little boy clothes that she bought before the sex of the baby was known. FML
Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML
Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML
Today, I realised that my friend hasn't spoken to me for a week. A week ago I politely explained to her that I really don't believe in horoscopes, and asked her at the time to stop systematically using my star-sign to explain my behaviour. FML
notsuperstitious tells us more.
Sorry for my english, it isn't my first language. I actually WAS polite, I said something like "I understand that horoscopes are important to you, but I really don't share the same view. So I would appreciate if you didn't mention it so often-if I am being a bitch, could you just say so and not say, "all scorpions do that"? And yeah, I'm not that sorry for losing a friend,as she apparently values her superstitions over me, I'm just pissed off, (O.P.)
Today, my boss decided that a mug and a public 'thank you' were a sufficient substitute for a Christmas bonus. FML
Today, my husband learned that if he asks me a question while I am dead asleep my answer will most likely be "Yes". Incidentally, I now have a new cat. FML
eer004 tells us more.
eer004 8
I am really surprised this made it through. on the bright side we had been discussing getting a cat for our daughter. I just expected to let her pick it out, not to wake up to a knew kitten in my bed
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML
Today, after being forced to take my little sister trick-or-treating, we had the cops called on us twice. She thought it would be funny to tell all the people giving out candy that I'd been following her around and that she had no idea who I was, and that she was scared of me. FML
PumaPounce tells us more.
PumaPounce 15
I had no idea she was doing this! My mom blamed me for not watching her closer. I thought she would know better since she's 14. Were both grounded though.
Today, I decided to start a new and healthy diet. When I came home from my run this morning, my family decided to show their support by buying takeaway food. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML
Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML
Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML
Today, I had my daughter babysit her two-year-old brother while I went out with my husband. I told her not to let him out of her sight. She certainly did as I said; when I tuned into our internet-enabled baby monitor, I heard her and some guy having sex in the room. FML
Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML
Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML
Today, I was driving on the freeway and there was a dead animal (I think a cat) in the road. The car in front of me decided to merge over. It kicked up part of the dead animal and sent it flying through my open window. I think I got hit in the face with a piece of foot. FML
travinator121611 tells us more.
Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML
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