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By garfield749 - 29/12/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 147

You deserved it 2 262

By ididn'tevendoanythingwrong - 10/02/2015 18:05 - United States - Tampa

Today, my roommates told me they want me to move out of our apartment. We would have never gotten the apartment without my credit score, and most of the furniture is mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 126

You deserved it 2 774

By lady_jeni - 09/07/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I went to see my grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember me sometimes, and today she thought I was her sister and that I was trying to steal my grandfather from her. She hit me with a cane and called me a slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 548

You deserved it 3 243

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 04:41 - United States

Today, I received my acceptance letter to one of the most prestigious universities in the US, as well as a nice scholarship. I was so proud of myself, I eagerly showed my dad, hoping he would shed a tear or two. His only words were, "Just get a job so you can get the hell out of my house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 749

You deserved it 3 807

By badmom101 - 16/05/2009 11:26 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 732

You deserved it 6 404

By Kaei - 21/08/2015 20:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a box full of crickets in my room. I sealed it up with tape and went to take a shower. When I returned, I found that the box had popped open, releasing almost all of the crickets. I can still hear the chirping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 056

You deserved it 8 043

Kaei tells us more.

Kaei 21

Saturday 22 August 2015 16:53

thank you omg someone who puts 1 and 2 together

By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - 17/08/2015 20:14 - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 751

You deserved it 3 481

Planning ahead

By Ma_Nikka - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Olivehurst

Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 674

You deserved it 3 038

Lower your expectations

By mista_sandy - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 111

You deserved it 5 942

By Anonymous - 02/05/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both Myspace and Facebook before saying to me that he was, "too busy to have sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 922

You deserved it 5 700

By solomantis - 30/07/2009 05:46 - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 939

You deserved it 50 414

Meh

By Meh - 18/07/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex Tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was naked and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 248

You deserved it 8 571

By RaYan - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 468

You deserved it 75 169

Moobs

By Anonymous - 30/06/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 017

You deserved it 54 734

Charmer

By Anonymous - 03/01/2016 14:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 189

You deserved it 1 946

By babysitter - 17/04/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 624

You deserved it 3 815

By man - 30/10/2009 16:34 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 142

You deserved it 23 588

By Jenna - 30/06/2011 00:04 - United States

Today, I was making pudding and accidentally spilt some on the floor. I had no idea until I slipped in it, throwing the bowl of pudding on my head. My mom promised to take me to the hospital as soon as she got a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 998

You deserved it 5 624

By dumpedandstranded - 15/10/2009 20:19

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 885

You deserved it 5 227

FML: Uncensored

By Cliché... or Touché? - 03/08/2017 02:00

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 911

You deserved it 62 171

By Anonymous - 23/06/2015 18:05 - United States - Mankato

Today, as my mom was getting ready for a date, I told her that I think it's too early for her to date, since she divorced my dad only a week ago. She then said, "Don't worry, I'm only in it for sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 167

You deserved it 4 530

By SomeDJ - 12/08/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 115

You deserved it 46 916

By hickey - 05/02/2010 10:35 - United States

Today, I made out with my friend for the first time. He gave me a hickey that can't be hidden. I'm the president of my church youth group and I have to help give a seminar on keeping your body like a holy temple... Tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 954

You deserved it 62 434

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 22:43 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I learned that despite having told them two years ago, my parents still aren't accepting of me being gay. I found this out when my mom called and asked if I was "cured" yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 378

You deserved it 5 496

Stuck in neutral

By Anonymous - 08/07/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 964

You deserved it 3 628

By ijustwantpizza - 07/01/2015 12:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was having a cheat meal after two weeks of strict dieting. When I opened the pizza box, I saw a cockroach. It had been baked into the cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 662

You deserved it 7 579

I'll take it

By Not That Old - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 480

You deserved it 6 905

By Anonymous - 14/04/2013 01:14 - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 026

You deserved it 8 339

By Shleebs - 19/03/2012 19:20 - United States - Hamilton

Today, I asked my mom if she could buy me some anti-nausea medicine. She said, "You just have a stomach ache. It's not like you're throwing up." As she said it, I threw up everything but my childhood memories. She still wouldn't get any medicine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 620

You deserved it 2 331

Shleebs tells us more.

Shleebs 12

Tuesday 20 March 2012 1:03

I actually threw up in her room and in her bathroom. She had to clean it up. I think justice was served.

By kitkat1603 - 16/06/2010 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend thought he gave me unimaginable pleasure. I didn't have the heart to tell him I had cramp in both my legs at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 998

You deserved it 7 775

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The Top

Today, as an usher at a beauty pageant, I was helping other patrons when a group walked past me and sat. I politely asked to see their tickets, but one of the women got angry and ripped hers up to throw the pieces in my face. Without a ticket, I had to kick her out. The police were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 909

You deserved it 282

Today, I couldn't convince my grandmother that no matter how much she called AT&T, they will not come and fix her dead computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 698

You deserved it 142

Today, I'm driving with to Vancouver with my aunt. It's been four hours and she still hasn't gotten tired of her lone Nickelback CD yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 373

You deserved it 234

Today, my side chick decided to call my wife and inform her about the affair I was having, all because I slammed on the brakes in the car to avoid hitting a cat and made her spill her frozen yoghurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 4 476

Today, I had a shift at my job at a grocery store that was full of rude and impatient customers. Someone dropped a bottle of wine and it shattered next to me. I found a half-eaten packet of sushi behind some magazines. The scale on another register broke. "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette played on the store radio at the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 895

You deserved it 125

Today, I rang up a customer’s items. The total came out to $24.67. She handed me a bag full of coins and looked at me expectantly. I asked if she had any other payment methods; she got irritated and said ,“If I did, I wouldn’t have given you this, stupid!” I had to count them. She was still 6 dollars short. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 142