Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML
Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML
Today, I got my period and went clubbing. I had to change my tampon and stupidly I only brought one. When I unwrapped it, it fell on the floor. I had to wait in the womens' bathroom for 45 minutes for a random girl to give me a spare. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed via text, after telling me that he'd slept with his step-sister. FML
Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML
Today, after 10 beers and a 1/3 of a bottle of Jack, I felt an undeniable urge to go rabbit hunting with lawn darts. FML
Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML
Today, my fiancé called off our wedding, all because I wouldn’t tell him how much my life insurance is worth. Apparently, “Lovers don’t keep secrets from one another” and, “If you’re hiding that, God knows what else you could be hiding.” FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML
Today, someone tried to rob my boss's store and I had a knife held to my neck. That’s not the FML. The FML is that, for some reason, it excited me and I got a boner. The thief told me I was all kinds of messed up and left without stealing anything. My god, I’m some kind of freak. FML
Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML
Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML
Today, my boss told me that I'm being terminated. Apparently, being pregnant means I was going to quit soon anyway, so there's no point. Now I have to get job so I don't get deported. FML
Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML
Today, I was told I was negative for Covid, so I went to buy wine to celebrate. Two hours later, I got a call again, saying I was positive and placed under quarantine. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that it’s weird to defecate into your hand and throw it from the shower into the toilet. FML
Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML
Today, my son announced he wants to be a YouTuber, and wants to make videos of himself doing violent things to pregnant women. He’s 9. FML
Today, my 4-year-old daughter asked me when I was going to be skinny like her daycare lady. FML
Today, it's just another day where my dad sits in the same spot in the kitchen for 12-16 hours, only to very slowly sip on alcohol and nibble on food. If it’s his day off, that’s his excuse. If he got off work, then it’s also his excuse. Twenty odd years of this. How can someone spend their entire life sitting in one spot? FML
Today, I found out my 8th period science teacher got fired. Our final is tomorrow. FML
Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML
Today, my Xbox blew up. Apparently my wife thought a good prank was to Sellotape the fan holes, because a YouTuber told her it makes Xboxes crash repeatedly. Well, it didn’t crash, it melted some of the casing, caught fire, which also set fire to the bookcase it sits on, the wall, and our 50 inch TV. FML
Today, I took a flight from Seattle to Oregon but missed my flight back home to California because the flight attendant came in late and delayed our flight take off time. Then I was told the only way to get California was to go back to Seattle and fly to California from there. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me if I remembered what I did in my sleep last night. Turns out, in my sleep, I grabbed her crotch and said, “Just making sure you’re not Shae.” Shae is her sister. FML
Today, for the third time this month, my family ridiculed me for being picky for ordering a burger without lettuce. They know I'm allergic. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years said he wanted an open relationship. When I asked if it was because I wasn’t good enough to fulfill his needs, he got mad at me and now expects an apology. FML
Today, I learned, 9 years after the death of my last intimate partner who'd moved away, that I have a 10 year-old child, and after the kid's grandpa died I was listed as a relative. Now I have a 10 year-old on my shoulders. DNA confirmed it was mine, and I never was told. Getting drunk before I take the kid in. FML
Today, my mother bitched at me for spending $200 on a new clothes I needed for my new job as a bank teller. I then received a notification on my phone that my mother's lingerie order was shipped. She spent $800 on teddies and crotchless panties. FML
Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML
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