Today, I received an email from my friend in South Africa, with whom I'll soon be staying for 2 months. She was telling me that she had bought me a few things so I would be prepared for my stay. What did she buy me? A taser and some pepper-spray. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I flew in to visit my long distance girlfriend. When I got out of the cab, I saw her way down the street walking the dog, so I hid behind the bushes to scare/surprise her. Mission accomplished. I just wish I hadn't bought her that pepper spray. FML
Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML
Today, I got tased, with the same TASER I bought my girlfriend to use on people trying to rob her. FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend a small stun gun I bought for her. She mentioned how she thought it was ''cute'', though it probably wouldn't help if someone was after her. She then put the tazer to my chest. When I woke up, she told me how it was my fault, for buying it for her. FML
Today, my mom bought me pepper spray in case anyone tried to "mess" with me. I put it in my purse. Later, a guy snatched my purse before I even had the chance to take out the pepper spray. FML
Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML
Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML
Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML
Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML
Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML
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Top comments
waffule365 16
at least your friends being helpful?
theWanderer011 11
Ahahaha! Your friend's a joker, mate. A taser won't help you here!
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Comments (171)
waffule365 16
at least your friends being helpful?
rsunshine2020 13
I'm assuming it was some type of warning, she just wants you to be safe. On the bright side at least it wasn't a rape whistle
Pudagiah 12
Although that whistle would definitely be helpful.
Quizzical 8
Not giving a rape whistle doesn't mean there's no danger of rape. It just means her friend's practical: a Taser or pepper spray might physically stop an attack, a whistle is just a hope to stop it.
gracehi 33
Yeah, I think a rape whistle would be utterly useless. Who hears a whistle and automatically thinks, "Oh no! That whistle can only mean that someone is being brutally attacked. I should run in the direction of that whistle on the off chance I'll actually find the location this crime is being committed, then immediately put myself in harm's way to help a total stranger." It's like not bothering to learn how to change a tire and deciding that if you ever get a flat you'll turn your hazard lights on in the hopes that someone who does know how to change a tire will stop and help you.
SeepingSarcasm 7
Here in South Africa a rape whistle would be of absolutely no use. A taser and pepper spray would up her chances a bit, I'd say all the way up to a 44.6% of not getting raped! ;p
yeti37 16
Have you been there before? I underestimated the crime and quickly learned not to. Beautiful country. Wonderful people. Horrible crime.
ShyAnn29 15
I've heard the crime rate there is pretty high, so OPs friend is just helping her to be safe!
Toasty283 8
Bitch please, if I heard a whistle for danger, I'd run in the opposite direction.
green2go 14
She is lucky I would have got her a shotgun and a glock
Helloilike_lacro 8
That's shocking
lovemylife27 1
Ha!
Liamj774 36
What's up with all these puns lately? They're frying my brains!
RocketNinjaFish 12
86- with that comment, I'm wondering if you had any brains to begin with.
snufflebubble 13
That's going to be a culture shock. ;)
SillyGirl4602 23
It is definitely going to be a culture shock but hopefully it will be a great experience for her.
SomeRandomGuy15 18
25- I think you missed the pun...
gc327072 31
SomeRandomGuy just corrected a SillyGirl. lol
chlorinegreen 27
Maybe she thinks you'll feel more comfortable if you have something that will keep youl safe with?
Jeffo193 13
Or she knows that South Africa is the country with the highest incidence of rape in the world...
DyslexicPanda 12
Not to mention murder, kidnapping, and general mal-intent..
meihua 19
Did she buy enough pepper spray?
carakustom 8
Thats ridiculous. Does she live in the Cape Flats?
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Probably Jo'burg.
ThatsMyPie 20
40 - Is Johannesburg that bad compared to the rest of the country? I thought it was all bad. I know a family from there who moved to Melbourne to escape the crime.
stargirl_95 24
#40 the crime depends on what part of the country you're in. Some places are a lot safer than others. In Johannesburg alone you're generally fine in Sandton but you're completely screwed if you go to Hillbrow or Newtown (CBD area)
TourettesGuyFTW 26
You're likely to get mugged at knife or gunpoint in Jo'burg, frequently.
SeepingSarcasm 7
Stop talking through your arse #133 - If you apply a small bit of logic, and not be stupid by walking around in Jhb late at night, you will be fine. Like anywhere else, during the day everybody there is just on their way to and from work.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Yeees, and the friends who had a machete pulled out on them, were just over-exaggerating...were they?! Look at the crime stats for South Africa. Or were they extracted from my rectum too?
princessbebop 7
Clearly you have no idea what you're talking about. So many of my friend have been mugged during the day is jhb one even got stabbed.
Josephtg4 9
cape town is the beat
theWanderer011 11
Ahahaha! Your friend's a joker, mate. A taser won't help you here!
p36288 17
Taser still doesn't help? So she needs some Rockets?
Piet1991 7
You don't need a taser! You need a Pistorius.
Bakarra 22
Toooo soooon
mega20913 8
I agree with 29...it's only been like 3 weeks
ShyAnn29 15
I knew someone would try and joke about that, it's so not the time though!
JJ_Rokk 10
I'd almost say that's racist, but she's in the same country. Lol.
laden_swallow09 35
Do you know what racism is?
SomeRandomGuy15 18
Are you saying rapists constitute their own race?
igive 29
You do realize that multiple races can exist in one country, right?
karlcolt45 19
my uncle was a security contractor for the south African government in the 80s and 90s, things were real tense then and that animosity still lingers
UberNova 18
I think it may have had something to do with that "Apartheid" thing...
karlcolt45 19
oh it just might have. I mean, at least a very little bit