Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Today, I shut the door to the bedroom so my wife and I could have a serious talk. Unfortunately, the cat stuck his paw under the door and started flailing around, causing me to bust up laughing at a bad moment. My wife was furious, threw a water bottle at me, and locked me out overnight. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by showing up at her apartment early. I climbed through her bedroom window, holding flowers. I got the wrong window. Some old man screamed, hit me with a broom, and called the cops. FML
Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML
Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML
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Top comments
doggie3 0
Sounds painful.
paivarotti 0
Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.
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Comments (80)
El_mariachi 0
I'm #1
Six_and_the_Moon 3
I'm firsy too ... get me a glass of ginger beer?
GreenHacker 0
YDI for marrying a blonde.
GreenHacker 0
Also, you should drop kick her ass
Bo_day_shus 0
that's got forgiveness ******* written all over it. score.
HOPELESSLYxJENN 0
umm. i'm kind of in love with your comment Bo_day_shus. :D
cookiepenguin 0
at least it wasn't agun or it hit you in thefamily jewals
sodahhhr 0
Firsy
Incubuss 0
Double fail. You can't even spell 'first'.
shinshoku13 19
Um actualy i believe she was making a pun on the similarities between first and thursty by saying firsy
arrow007archer 19
only pricks say "First"
doggie3 0
Sounds painful.
Sun_Kissed18 25
Oh it is, I had a giant cactus plant when I lived in Florida. Was right outside the house. If I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking... ouchies.
Ajjas013 6
Maybe it's a magical cactus!
Sun_Kissed18 25
I wish!
JohnE3 0
Ouch. Well, ouch only if it hit you in the face; which would have been really funny if it was on youtube in slow-mo.
supercu96 0
lol can't wait to see some moron's reason for this to be YDI FYL xD
boogersyum 0
You diserve it for owning a cactus! ROFL
SoreThroat 0
Diserve? Lawl. He so DISERVED that one.
Shiningstartp 9
Hahaha . This was the exact reason I read the comments... To see the reasoning behind ydi lol.
paivarotti 0
Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.
paivarotti 0
Perhaps it's all part of an s&m thing she's trying? Seriously, try this pineapple idea, i'm sure it'll only make your marriage more of a success.
ChronicFAIL 0
Pineapple is code for penis. *Just to be clear.* ;)
madishunwhut7 0
good use of the word "bajingo" i haven't heard that in a long time!
DKjazz 20
You know, the pineapple is the manliest fruit, rough and spiny on the outside, but soft and sweet on the inside.
Epickitty58 29
Thank you for helping me explain my hilarious and not-always-school-appropriate vocabulary, #6.
Josher47 0
What a great wife
shellybean87 0
haha funny! and no ur not #1 loser
QueenOfEpic 1
I'MA FIRIN' MAH CACTUS!!!
PandaPandaPandaX 0
Hahaha you reminded me of a comic called Girls With Slingshots. :D
fmlreader1359 0
^ do you really not have a legit comment to say? that sucks btw. those needles hurt I've been poked by em before. and I have the flu. that would be cool if it was swine