Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML
Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML
Today, I discovered that the fire alarm in my building will go insane when I'm trying to cook chicken, but won't make a sound when my towels start actually burning on the radiator. FML
murtato tells us more.
murtato 15
Oh, it was posted! Op here, my now ex put the towels on the radiator after showering. I can't describe how much I yelled at him after having to put it out. Safe to say I'm never letting him back in again!
Today, I was the only sober person at a bonfire. After being hit in the eye with a snowball, taking people's keys away because they were too wasted to drive, making sure no one died and stabbing the bottom of my foot with a nail, I got to sleep in the snow. Without any blankets. FML
Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML
Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML
Today, at my first AA meeting, my best friend thought it would be funny to burst in drunk and tell everyone that I was the champion at beer pong and that there was a party at my place after my "quitter club" ended. FML
joeker124 tells us more.
Hey, OP here. I appreciate all of the positive comments, and, not going to lie, he's been my friend since birth and it did kind of make me laugh when he first did it. But when he did sober up, I he apologized and cried, asking for help. So he'll be joining me next week and I'm very excited to get my best friend back. Again, thank you guys for the positive comments.
Today, at school, we were supposed to say something that we are thankful for. When I was about to speak, one of the girls at my table said, "It's okay, you can say PornHub." FML
Today, I was in the city newspaper for something I worked my ass off on. There was a picture of me working on my creation in the article with a caption, something like, "Chloe B, part of the robotics team." My name isn't Chloe, and I talked to the article writers. I haven't heard back at all. FML
rainbowlack tells us more.
rainbowlack 17
OP here - still haven't heard back. I don't want to be a programmer; I want to be an author. But being featured in the paper was a start for me.
Today, my crazy downstairs neighbor was yet again fighting with her boyfriend by slamming every door. When this didn't work, she went downstairs to fight with his grill. She wheeled it to the end of the driveway and pushed it over. FML
Today, whilst taking a shower, I noticed my razor wasn't in its usual spot. Upon inspecting it closer, I noticed that there were tiny white hairs in it. When confronting my father about it, he claimed the "pink razors" are his. We've been sharing the same razor this entire time. FML
Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML
Today, I told my long-distance friend about the flooding in Florida due to the Supermoon. He's a Flat Earther and despite proof, denies the coincidence because he believes the moon and gravity aren't what we're taught. FML
Today, and like every year, my godmother sent me a card asking me why I never call her, and why we don't go out on my birthday. Six years ago, she told me on my birthday I was going to hell for moving with my boyfriend and then sprayed me with perfume. He is now my husband, and she claims she forgot. FML
Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML
Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML
Today, I showed my grandma my new septum piercing. Her only response was, "I hope it gets infected and your nose falls off." FML
kmtau tells us more.
OP here. First of all, I'd like to let everyone know that I don't give a rat's ass about your opinion of septum piercings. That being said, I knew my grandma would not be happy about it but I did it anyway because I've wanted one for a long time. She did apologize shortly after saying this, and now she's gotten used to it! Yesterday when we were at a restaurant she reached over to fix it because it was crooked and has even shown me cute jewelry for it that she found online :)
Today, I mockingly made "President Trump" jokes all day to my friends, knowing Clinton was bound to win the election. FML
Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML
Today, my step-mom tried to ground me. I met her just yesterday, when she moved in. FML
Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML
Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML
Today, weeks after I paid extra for faster shipping, I received confirmation that my paperwork for overseas voting has been received. Too bad the deadline in my state was yesterday. Thanks, Postal Service, for the consistency of your failures. FML
Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML
Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML
Today, I was feeling stressed about some upcoming exams, so I went on a nice relaxing nature walk through the nearby bushland. I slipped off a rock and landed in knee-deep mud that claimed my shoe when I pulled my leg free. I'm even more stressed now. FML
Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML
Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML
Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML
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