Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML
Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML
Today, after spending a lazy day at home, I went to UPS with my mom to help her pick up a package. While in line, she sent me back to the car because I'm, "an embarrassment to be around" when I'm not wearing makeup. FML
Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML
Today, I asked my dad why we didn't have any baby pictures. His response was, "They got lost in the flood of '93." I was born in '95. FML
Today, my mom texted me and asked what I was up to. In response, I joked, "Dancing on the dining room table, waving dad's Calvin Klein's in the air, and shooting bullets into her bedroom floor." Not only did the cops show up, but now I'm grounded for two weeks for being, "deceptively believable." FML
Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML
Today, I snooped around my parents' room looking for hidden Christmas presents. The only hidden things I found was a whip, two ball gags, several other sex toys, and a load of newspaper clippings about the JFK assassination. What the fuck? FML
Today, I performed the Heimlich maneuver on a man. He cussed me out because the piece of food he was choking on was "a perfectly good portion of lobster". FML
elissak tells us more.
Hey all! OP here. A longer version of the story... I was on a first date when I saw a man at another table panic, get up from his table, and start running toward the back. I was taught this is a common sign of someone choking, so I went after him without thinking (my poor date!). I caught him right before the bathrooms and had him calm enough for a moment to dislodge the lobster. He was very thankful at the time. Around twenty minutes later when his table got the bill, he made a special trip over to my table to get in my face and started yelling about how I cost him this otherworldly amount of money because he couldn't get that lobster back. I had considered opening my purse and pulling out some monopoly money to pay for his meal (yes, I keep monopoly money on me), but I thought that might have been a little cruel or in poor taste, so I simply stared at him until he walked away. My date and I laughed about it for the rest of dinner, and it's definitely a tale getting added to my arsenal of stories. No harm done!
Today, I felt bad about rarely complimenting my mom about her cooking, so during dinner, I raved about her incredible, creamy, macaroni and cheese. It came from a box. FML
Today, I posted a picture of me without makeup on Facebook. A "friend" commented, "fuk me thts hideus!!" My dad replied, "Hideous, yes, just like your godawful spelling!" My mom yelled at my dad for agreeing with the guy, and they're still fighting. Meanwhile, my self-esteem is in the gutter. FML
Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML
Today, I found the Christmas candy that I'd hidden a year ago. Turns out I wasn't the only living creature who had found it. FML
Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML
Today, I still didn't feel quite awake after the first lesson at school, so I went to get a cup of coffee from the vending machine. I had just enough money for it. No cup dropped into the holder, and the whole thing poured straight into the drip tray while I watched. FML
walktowardslight tells us more.
Ugh, pour little me was just going about the daily grind, and now you're all making a mochary of my misfortune?!
Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML
Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML
Today, I bought a Santa hat. After wearing the hat for a few hours, I noticed a strange lump near the tip of it. I stuck my hand inside to dig out the mysterious object. It was a dead cockroach. FML
Today, while walking home with my mom, some unoriginal cockshart in a passing car yelled at me: "Fuck her in the pussy!" It was a long, awkward walk home after that. FML
Today, and for the past few days, there is a musical box stuck somewhere in my attic that randomly plays Christmas songs. FML
supertacowaffle tells us more.
This is my FML :') basically we have a huge box of Christmas decorations up there, but there's hardly any floorboards and they have been put on the spongy floor, and something has moved up there so this box keeps going off, waiting for someone to move it or at least try and get the box out.
Today, we spent the day with my grandmother. During a family conversation, my sweet little grandmother looked me up and down, and without any hesitation said, "I remember you being so beautiful," before looking at my mother, mouthing, "What happened?" and laughing. She's 87. FML
Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML
Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML
Today, I finally got time to take a nap. Later, my mom asked me if I was depressed because I didn't leave my room for 3 hours. She talked to my dad about it, and now my family thinks I'm depressed because I slept for 3 hours. FML
Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML
Today, I went to get myself a latte to make myself feel better after having a bad day. As soon as I sat down to enjoy it, I spilled it all over myself, another customer, and the floor. FML
Today, I drove over an hour to my grandma's house for her birthday party. When she answered the door, her eyes went wide and she said angrily "No, not you!" and slammed the door shut in my face. FML
Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML
Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML
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