Today, I got really anxious thinking I was going to piss off the guy behind me by not moving off at a stop light fast enough. It got so bad that I had a panic attack right there in my car. FML
Today, trying to do a good deed, I gave a homeless guy a $10 bill. As I walked away, he yelled after me, "You fucking bitch!" FML
Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML
Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML
Today, after swallowing my birth control pill, I threw up all over myself. I then had to search through my puke to find my birth control pill and attempt to re-take it. FML
denaeb123 tells us more.
denaeb123 24
Hey, Im the OP. It is extremely important that you take the pills in order and you CANNOT skip a pill! If you do your hormones can get all wacky and if youre sexually active, you can get pregnant. You only have a set amount of pills in the pack and they dont give any extras.
Today, my husband lost his keys again. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML
Today, a guy attacked me and tried to steal my bag. I tried to defend myself by biting him as hard as I could. I then woke up to my husband screaming in pain. FML
poncho55 tells us more.
poncho55 40
No worries, he's okay now. :) Later on in the day, he laughed about it and thought it was pretty hilarious, which is good because I felt pretty bad about biting him.
Today, I got the most tear-jerking comment so far about my severe stutter. While I was talking to my neighbor, his little brother interrupted and asked me if I was possessed by a demon. FML
bradix1186 tells us more.
bradix1186 12
Hello everyone. I never thought it would get published. I sort of just powered up my computer and felt I had to vent here after it happened. But it's okay though. I'm used to the bickering comments I receive. But I refuse to concede to the negative effects that come with it; I'm a happy person. To those who are sympathetic to what I have, I'm forever grateful while I also am but all sympathetic to those who are not.
Today, I found out the hard way that blood-filled deer ticks can look a lot like black jelly beans. FML
Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML
Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML
Today, I noticed our weekly biohazardous waste pickup didn't occur as usual at the surgery center where I work. After calling, the company informed me they were short staffed and couldn't make it out 'til next week. Guess that amputated finger is just going to marinate another week. FML
besosforme tells us more.
besosforme 26
Actually... It was! I'm thinking about breaking the contract with this company (after they pick up the finger- and the rest of the waste, of course). They've been nothing but unreliable and difficult to work with.
Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML
Today, my mom told me that, even though my brother sells drugs, he's still her favorite child. FML
kerstileann tells us more.
kerstileann 26
you know youll get modded and have a ban against you for saying that right? :)
Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML
Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML
Today, I drove alone for the first time since I passed my test. I kept getting weird looks from other drivers and got pulled over by a cop. He said I was clearly underage and was sure my license was fake. Almost half an hour later, he finally let me go. I hate having a baby-face. FML
Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML
Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML
Today, my boyfriend commented on one of his his ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos, saying how smoking hot she looks and how much he wants her. His excuse was that the photo was posted before he was with me, so he's clearly doing nothing wrong. FML
annie_xox tells us more.
Hi, OP here! Believe me now, I gave him the dirtiest look and ended things there and then. He can have his "gorgeous" ex if he wants her so badly, just don't come crawling back to me, you dick!
Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML
Today, I tried to overcome my shyness by warmly greeting the bus driver while entering it. I instead blurted out really loudly the words of the song my iPod was playing. FML
Today, I found a phone in a fitting room. I called the number that said "home" to let the owner know that I was going to give it to the store's manager. Apparently the husband didn't know his wife was out shopping and "blowing all his earnings". FML
Enslaved tells us more.
Enslaved 38
OP here! First off, when I called the number, a man answered. When I told him I found a phone,(an iPhone5c for those that are curious) he told me to "**** off" and that I had the wrong number, then hung up on me. He called the phone back a few minutes later and I could hear him yelling to what I assumed was his wife/GF in the background. He was asking her if she went out shopping? and how dare she spend his money, plus lose her phone! I did give the phone to the manager of the department store and told the man to pick it up there tomorrow if he wants it, since the store was already closed for the night. My heart is just uneasy because I know that my call caused what seems to be an argument between the lady that owns the phone and an irate man. I could tell he was very controlling and she was very afraid of him.
Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML
Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML
Today, my boss used the restroom at work. She returned and told me I needed to go clean the toilet because "someone left a mess in there." It was her mess. FML
Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML
Today, my attention-seeking, insanely thick co-worker explained that due to her new diet she can't eat bread. She "can eat pizza" though. When we pointed out that they’re pretty much made of the same ingredients, she wouldn’t believe us. I sit right behind this idiot every day. FML
Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking cough. My neighbours called the police because apparently my cough sounds like someone torturing an animal. FML
Today, I went to an ATM intending to withdraw $150. I approached the machine, inserted my card, typed in my pin and followed the prompts. When my card came out, I removed it, put it in my pocket and drove off. FML
kaailin tells us more.
kaailin 18
Hi guys, OP here. To clarify, it wasn't a drive through ATM, I walked back to the car before the money came out. Also to those asking how I managed to do such a careless thing - I had just had a stressful day at work on the closing shift so my mind wasn't with it. I'm lucky I have a loving family that can support me until my next pay day. And I hope I just hope the money ended up in hands that needed it more than myself.
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