Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML
Today, I tried to use a corny pickup line on my crush, but my mind blanked and instead of, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" I blurted, "Did you fall?" He just stared at me and said, "What?" FML
Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML
Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML
Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML
Today, at work, I was making an appointment for an old lady who told me, "You look like a movie star!" I started to thank her when she followed up with, "Like that girl from the horror movie! Your black hair and pale skin makes you look scary! Oh, sorry…" with the coworker I hate the most sitting right next to me. FML
Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML
Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML
Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML
Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML
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Top comments
Tarlachia 33
"Sorry, in life, I had standards. In death, you still don't meet them."
nofreeusernames 10
Shitbird is my new favourite word. Thank you.
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Comments (93)
NOTaDISTRACTION 17
Well... Did it work?
Retaheki 27
If he was called a 'shitbird' for it, then I'd assume not.
DorLeon 14
"tried to pick" should give u a hint about it :)
xxNIGHTxx_fml 17
I'm more then positive it didn't.
tswizz 13
And I bet when OP said no, his reaction would've been to tell her she's a bitch and he wouldn't **** her anyway
Jacqueline G Mackay 10
lol
Xobubblyxo 23
Blunt much?
xxNIGHTxx_fml 17
Well, rude.
devildog562 33
If it worked... No I still wouldn't have the balls and disrespect to talk to a lady like that. Society has been interesting lately .
Tthug 34
Society has always been interesting. It's just only in recent times that everybody gets to hear about it.
alysssssssa 16
It's kind of a compliment?
ohSNAPyall 27
You sexy, sexy corpse.
patrickalamo 48
What a pale completion, so life like, yet cold to the tough.
devi_916 39
How is being told you look like ANYONE'S corpse a compliment? I would much rather look alive...
cmac86 24
It is for necrophiliacs
nofreeusernames 10
Shitbird is my new favourite word. Thank you.
docphilsman 15
it's brilliant
jvfelicio 13
Lol I just remember Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, "Listen here Shitbird!"
redstone7693 29
"popped collar wearing shitbird" is now one of my new insults
hunterjumper88 8
That's a good one, but even better is chucklefuck bitch - courtesy of another FML.
cocoshake 16
wow okay he just went straight to the point
boating_guy 33
Part of me hopes you slapped him, part of me wishes he magically just disappeared from the humankind's gene pool
Vitotaylor36 13
Or better yet, her slap made him disappear from the gene pool.
Andatop 16
People don't put much effort in stuff like complements anymore..
photographer49 22
#8 didn't even know that counted as a compliment.
PerditaDessa 38
I don't know, I think you ought to give him some points for creativity on this one. I don't think it was a complement, and he probably shouldn't have said it but it's not a describer I've ever heard before.
TheFuckGiver1230 22
How would he know what her corpse looks like?
devildog562 33
Do you really want the answers to that question?
victorvldv 8
What a romantic guy.. Fucktard >.>