Dog Jump Fail

Today, I was on the bus, when the inspector asked to see my ticket. I couldn't find it, and ended up being kicked off the bus while a few of the other passengers jeered at me. I found my ticket on the long walk home, buried in my pocket. FML

Sister of the year

Thanks, I'm cured!

True hero

By fuck the fucking cops - 16/3/2012 18:41 - Belgium

23790

4762

Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML

By NooOOooOO - 11/10/2017 23:15

2931

280

Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML

By soon to be unemployed - 28/1/2014 22:36 - United Kingdom - Southampton

50571

3930

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

By anonymous - 24/3/2016 03:02

21525

1447

Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML

By gaga - 22/5/2012 07:34 - United States - San Jose

8936

38866

Today, while getting steamy with my boyfriend, I tried to be sexy and tease him by playfully pushing his hands away every time he touched me. He responded by telling me it's OK if we didn't have sex because my breath was a bit "funky" and he needed to take "a massive dump anyway." FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 06:35

997

2814

Today, I got denied a refund for my dream coffee machine. I've overdrafted my bank account to buy it on Offer Up for an excellent price, but USPS delivered the package to a wrong address. Someone got it for free. Offer Up won't refund me because it says "delivered" on the tracking page. FML

By Le Dookie - 19/10/2018 15:00 - United States - Sugar Land

3151

718

Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML

By Ishowet - 31/5/2017 12:00 - United States - Hialeah

2873

437

Today, I went to the gym to run. I ended up at the hospital because i went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I'm allergic to exercise now. FML

By Noname - 13/2/2009 17:46 - United States

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3637

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 19:01 - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

62273

6631

Today, my coworker and I announced that we are spending our holidays together, because we both have kids. My boss announced he is coming with us. FML

By Carnage23 - 22/11/2014 10:16 - Germany - Essen

33024

3981

Today, I was the only passenger on a completely booked flight to have all their luggage left behind in another country. FML

By leftbehind - 10/6/2011 11:40 - Colombia

38759

3247

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

By in love with a nerd - 2/9/2019 15:01 - United States

Lrn 2 Read

1427

205

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML

By Anonymous - 2/11/2012 19:46 - Netherlands - Delft

36549

8345

Today, my family and I are driving down to France and it's going to take 4 hours. If that wasn't bad enough, my mum decides that she is going to listen to the CD my sister bought her for Christmas on repeat for the whole journey. It's Lady Gaga. FML

By OhGodKillMeNow - 26/12/2009 11:42 - United Kingdom

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Today, I realized I am more confident running a million-dollar piece of construction equipment than I am around people of the opposite sex. FML

By Big_gulps_huh - 28/11/2017 22:00 - United States - Minneapolis

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422

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

By aawkward... - 9/12/2009 19:27 - United States

25853

2464

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to the movies. She replies, "Sorry I have to do stuff with my parents" Her mum calls and by mistake my girlfriend pressed loud speaker, the first thing her mum said was "Be back at 11". FML

By English - 1/12/2008 03:25 - Australia

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2511

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

By benjavel71 - 10/1/2017 11:13 - United States - Prairie Grove

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Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

By pmony - 2/2/2012 02:48 - United States

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Today, my mother is so overdramatic that her response to finding out I lost a friend's book was that I should fake my own death rather than fess up. FML

By hylianprincess - 25/9/2014 11:19 - United States

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3248

Today, my fiancée and I were making plans for our wedding when my soon-to-be mother-in-law chimed in with, "You know, she can still get out of this. I got the dress for her but we can save it for the next guy." I'm not sure if she's joking or not. FML

By bingalingading - 3/1/2015 01:46 - United States - Owosso

31557

2467

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

By coughandcold - 27/3/2009 01:45 - United States

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37823

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while. I was doing upper body workouts and decided to ask a very large man to spot me while I did bench presses. As he stood over me, I saw two beads of sweat roll off his nose. One hit me on the cheek. The other landed in my open mouth. FML

By dollabill009 - 6/6/2013 08:49 - United States

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Today, I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on the beach. I was nervous, but I just smiled and said, "Hey, you're really pretty." Then I let out a horrific fart. FML

By YouSoSmelly - 2/8/2013 13:58 - United States - Kannapolis

55345

11999

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 23:38 - United States

57557

6214

Today, as I came out of some changing rooms in a clothes shop, I gave back all the stuff I'd tried on to a saleswoman. I then walk off, make it about a couple of yards, change my mind and decide to purchase one of the items I'd tried. When I get back, the saleswoman was spraying the changing room I'd used with deodorant. FML

By carla - 13/1/2009 01:35 - France

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Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 23:04 - United States

31986

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Today, on Christmas Eve, as I was getting my car loaded for the holiday rounds to the in-laws and parents, my car decided now was the time to break down. I recently put in over $1000 fixing it. FML

By XmasGrinch - 24/12/2016 13:49

6153

Phew, glad it wasn't me

564

Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2015 03:39 - United States - Pasadena

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Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

By failhusband - 10/7/2009 23:18 - United States

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72847

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML

By daniel55 - 18/2/2013 00:11 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

By aXel - 13/10/2008 08:29

51638

8294

Today, I got pulled over for violating hands-free law and not having an updated address on my driver's license. Two days ago, I got pulled over for the same reasons. Now, I have four tickets I need to deal with. FML

By - 1/5/2019 00:00

647

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Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly started laughing in embarrassment as she peed on my leg. FML

By anonymous - 9/9/2013 20:16 - United States - Round Rock

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Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML

By Anonymous - 29/4/2016 09:17 - New Zealand

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Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML

By frustrated - 11/7/2013 04:52 - United States - Antioch

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Today, after losing all my hair to chemo, I finally felt brave enough to go out without a wig or a headscarf. I expected some weird looks. I didn’t expect a woman in a store to point to me and tell her daughter, “See what feminism does to women? She’ll never have a husband, I bet!” FML

By bald&ugly - 19/10/2019 02:00

Empathy City

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116

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. I noticed that he had added a signature onto his texts that had the date 11/10/09. At first, I blushed and thought it was the date we had become a couple. But then I realized it was just the day the new Call of Duty game comes out. Love you too. FML

By gamergirlfriend - 20/10/2009 05:26 - United States

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