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Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

by K. / 05/07/2011 at 1:38pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my husband if he could at least try to give me an orgasm. His response? "Um... why?" FML

by not satisfied / 02/11/2016 at 12:06pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I got a call from my younger brother's school to pick him up immediately. He had a test today and had the brilliant idea that by telling everyone he had head lice, he could go home. I had to leave work to pick him up, and now I have to take him to a doctor so they can verify he can go back. FML

by joshua / 01/25/2010 at 4:24pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML

by dust / 01/27/2012 at 1:54am / Japan / Transportation

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

by bs_happens / 01/11/2010 at 10:28am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school, so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs and said, "make them fatter". FML

by humiliated / 01/14/2011 at 11:28am / United Kingdom (East Ayrshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

by jobless / 02/13/2011 at 12:31am / United States (North Dakota) / Work

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/04/2015 at 4:55am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I had to explain to several young children why asking the new blind girl to play hide and seek with them is inappropriate. FML

by Anonymous / 07/10/2015 at 12:52pm / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Kids

Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip 3 years ago. FML

by TheLoneSoul / 09/13/2015 at 10:22am / France / Love

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

by Devildrake / 04/15/2015 at 6:32pm / Australia / Work

Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances". FML

by NeedMoreFriends / 07/03/2015 at 6:30am / United Kingdom (Wakefield) / Miscellaneous

Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML

by skid kid / 03/09/2012 at 9:09pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation