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Today, the snowblower found my lost phone. FML

by cs / 02/12/2011 at 9:21pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my friend swapped my girlfriend and probation officer's numbers in my phone. My girlfriend is wondering why I asked her permission to leave the country, and my probation officer said she can't wait to see me again. FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2012 at 1:34pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I went to a nearby nightclub with some friends and the girl I've been flirting for weeks. We were having a good time until this girl and two of her friends got back complaining about some "drunk-old-perverts harassing them". It looks like my dad and his friends are having a good time too. FML

by hateskool888581 / 01/11/2010 at 7:28pm / Mexico (Nuevo Leon) / Miscellaneous

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

by Goatczar / 04/29/2015 at 10:49am / United States (Utah) / Work

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

by Cody / 12/30/2008 at 4:35am / Work

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

by ewww / 08/26/2012 at 5:21am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was supposed to start my vacation in Italy. I guess not everyone heard that I canceled it due to health problems, because this morning I caught two of my "friends" unplugging my TV after breaking into my house. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2015 at 11:28am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying on some clothes in the store's changing room, when someone reached under the door and grabbed my purse, shoes, and pants. FML

by Gitana / 04/22/2012 at 3:08pm / Spain (Navarra) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying to be-friend a boy who was sitting alone. He had his gameboy nearly plastered to his eyes. I, cleverly, say to him, "Geeze don't put that thing so close, your eyes will fall out!" He took off his sunglasses, eyes going crooked, and said, "I'm legally blind." Insert foot here. FML

by thatsjustgreat / 01/24/2009 at 7:27pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, for about the fifth time, my neighbors parked blocking my driveway. After parking across the street I stuck a note on their windshield reading “Nice park job asshole“, only to find out that their nephew just passed away and everyone was gathering to go to the viewing. FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2009 at 12:41pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

by cieee / 02/13/2012 at 2:09am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2015 at 7:52am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a plane when I suddenly felt the need to use the toilet. I didn't make it in time and I had to spend the remainder of my trip in soiled clothes. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2010 at 3:16pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Transportation