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Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

by DumbLackofLuck / 12/22/2009 at 4:54pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

by novaguy / 02/24/2015 at 11:15am / United States / Health

Today, I was reading a book in public. Some bastard stranger came over and started spoiling the plot for me. FML

by Spoilicious / 11/05/2012 at 10:58am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally told my boyfriend I have a medical condition that makes me grow an unusual amount of hair on my face, so I shave every day. He said he was leaving me because he refuses to be with a "bearded lady". FML

by Foxy0706 / 11/10/2015 at 2:27pm / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, my family and I were discussing my birthday in a couple weeks. As they asked what I wanted, I told them it was up to them. So my mother suggested that she'll get me electrolysis so I wouldn't have to worry about my mustache in college. FML

by sexyyy / 12/07/2009 at 2:18pm / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Love

Today, I got a message from my ex saying how sorry he was for everything he did. He also said that if he wasn't getting married and having a kid we could still be together. We broke up a year ago. FML

by nubbins / 01/26/2010 at 1:56am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML

by Pinkie / 08/06/2011 at 5:06pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, for the second day in a row, I was constantly abused, yelled at, insulted, and berated by my wife for "endangering our child's life." I took her to the doctor for a vaccination and flu shot yesterday. FML

by DrugsRX / 10/17/2012 at 6:58pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

by FlabbyPants / 01/05/2015 at 9:51pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future". even though he's entering a PhD program next year at a top university. Meanwhile, my dad's last relationship was with a 20-year-old hooker who ended up stealing his credit cards. FML

by WayToGoDaddyHo / 07/08/2015 at 2:17am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got through to the phone interview stage for a great job. When the phone rang, I answered and suddenly, spontaneously, burped really loudly. The interviewer hung up. FML

by urrrppp / 03/26/2010 at 5:44am / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Work

Today, I went to a nearby nightclub with some friends and the girl I've been flirting for weeks. We were having a good time until this girl and two of her friends got back complaining about some "drunk-old-perverts harassing them". It looks like my dad and his friends are having a good time too. FML

by hateskool888581 / 01/11/2010 at 7:28pm / Mexico (Nuevo Leon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she's anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to "take part in something so gross." FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2012 at 12:36am / United States (Hawaii) / Kids