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Today, I finally found a cute dress that hugged my curves and hid my imperfections. I wore it to my friend's house, and was feeling pretty good about myself, until some pregnant woman walked into the room wearing the exact same thing. It was a maternity dress. FML

by preggersmcgee / 10/22/2012 at 12:09pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

by notthatkinkyanyway / 11/13/2011 at 7:46am / China (Beijing) / Holidays

Today, my mom and siblings got into a fight. Being generally quiet and non-confrontational, I stayed out of it. Shortly thereafter, I was yelled at by my mother for being "ungrateful" and "disrespectful." I still don't know what I did wrong. FML

by tiredoffamilydinners / 01/12/2012 at 12:00am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

by madfather / 02/22/2009 at 8:38pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML

by wowsucks / 01/30/2010 at 4:40am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home to find the dog had learned how to open our stair-gate and kitchen door, devoured the entire fruitcake I'd made for a special occasion, and then vomited said fruitcake all over the fabric sofa. FML

by Stoopiddogbot / 02/12/2013 at 8:18am / United Kingdom (Swansea) / Animals

Today, my neighbor came up to me, lowered her voice and said, "I suggest you buy some drapes for your bedroom dear..." When she started to walk away, she added, "...and a gym membership." FML

by niccy / 09/09/2010 at 12:33am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

by Anonymous / 02/22/2013 at 2:57am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

by anonymous / 05/05/2015 at 2:42am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local pizza hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

by Marty / 08/24/2011 at 1:14pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave feedback on how the store is run at the owners' request, because they don't understand why everyone keeps quitting. I guess they took it personally, because they asked me not to come back. FML

by outofajob / 01/01/2015 at 6:03pm / United States (Utah) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking through an old photo album of mine. I turned to a page with a picture of me on my last day of college. I thought the picture was quite nice. He turned to me and said, "Don't worry, I take bad pictures too." FML

by XxHinkaixX / 07/31/2010 at 10:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2010 at 8:33am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous