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Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

by hardwarekit / 10/31/2014 at 10:27am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, half of my motivation to stop drinking is so that my tolerance will go down, because I currently can't actually afford enough alcohol to get even tipsy anymore. FML

by Recovering Alcoholic / 12/17/2014 at 5:41pm / United Kingdom (Nottinghamshire) / Health

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

by FUCKFACECUNT / 08/02/2015 at 9:32am / United Arab Emirates (Abu Dhabi) / Work

Today, I bitched out my grandmother, who lives with my family, for being lazy and laying in bed until 6-7pm for the past month. When I was done, she told me she had been diagnosed with cancer and was depressed because of it. Nobody had bothered to tell me. FML

by Casino / 04/01/2009 at 9:17pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

by thanxguys / 03/17/2010 at 3:03pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

by IrNatalie / 06/02/2015 at 4:59am / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2015 at 3:25am / Kids

Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML

by wowsucks / 01/30/2010 at 4:40am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was playing basketball in our company gym. I took a shot from half court, and at that exact moment, an executive walked into the gym with an important potential client. My shot bounced off the side of the backboard, off some bleachers, and right into the client's head. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2010 at 1:13pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I let my boyfriend sleep over at my house for the first time. Upon arriving, he tossed his stuff on the floor and said "I gotta take a piss, where's your shower?" FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2011 at 10:00pm / United States (Mississippi) / Love

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2012 at 10:47pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I sneezed while I was in the middle of getting a root canal. I managed to warn the dentist that I was going to sneeze, but he didn't manage to get the tools out of my mouth in time. FML

by Anon / 02/17/2012 at 3:43pm / United States / Health

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

by JC / 12/05/2009 at 11:30pm / United States (Iowa) / Animals