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Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2010 at 2:17am / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Work

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

by toothpastecat / 05/13/2011 at 11:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

by Noname / 12/31/2008 at 1:03pm / Love

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

by Anonymous / 12/22/2009 at 1:02pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an attempt to spice up our relationship, I tied my boyfriend up and did a strip tease for him. I pulled my skirt down over my heels and tripped as I tried to step out of it. Not only did I pull a muscle in my leg but I elbowed him in the groin. So much for spice. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2010 at 1:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML

by Anonymous / 02/23/2013 at 1:27pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Intimacy

Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

by hardwarekit / 10/31/2014 at 10:27am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I decided to watch some porn to cheer myself up after having recently been dumped. Halfway through wanking the gibbon, I got a horrifyingly painful cramp in my foot, and cried out in pain. Ten seconds later, with my pants still down, my dad rushed in to see if I was okay. FML

by whoreticulturalist / 10/27/2012 at 3:18pm / United Kingdom (Plymouth) / Intimacy

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML

by betchyo / 10/01/2009 at 2:10am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML

by CaityLovesBo / 02/05/2012 at 1:49pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

by brazo667 / 02/09/2015 at 6:07pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, I gathered the courage to participate in a class discussion. My professor laughed at me. FML

by Noname / 01/28/2009 at 6:03am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me by text. It's also the day that the birthday present I ordered for him was finally processed and shipped, meaning I can't cancel and get my money back. FML

by lovefool / 01/12/2011 at 5:58am / United Kingdom (Stockport) / Love