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Today, I overheard my boyfriend and his friends talking in the next room. I smiled when my boyfriend called me beautiful, only to hear his friend laugh and say, "C'mon, dude. She has fat ankles and smells like deli meat." FML

by sausagefingers / 10/22/2012 at 1:29am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

by Anonymous / 12/22/2009 at 1:02pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

by toothpastecat / 05/13/2011 at 11:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, after finally getting a job offer after months of unemployment, I found out that the person who was going to hire me got fired. Which means I'm not getting the job. FML

by tjm / 12/23/2010 at 1:05am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my dad took me to the 'Super Butcher'. It's basically a warehouse turned into a giant, walk-in meat freezer, complete with headless pig carcasses. I'm a vegetarian. FML

by frostedmist / 12/14/2011 at 3:49am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

by :| / 09/26/2015 at 12:10am / New Zealand (Nelson) / Kids

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

by rebeccacaissie / 11/21/2010 at 1:16pm / United States / Love

Today, a lady threw a coke bottle at my head because she had a non-winning lottery ticket. FML

by kerensa / 07/15/2012 at 1:51am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, I was on the city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling at my jacket. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say "stop chewing on that!" FML

by nd.11 / 03/01/2010 at 11:59am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I got to listen to my boss lecture me about professional dress and subtly insinuate that my being on the heavier side top-wise with all the men in the office could be a problem. I've worn turtle necks for the whole two months I've been working there. FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2015 at 6:59pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

by 0ros / 09/12/2009 at 6:13pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

by Anonymous / 11/23/2012 at 8:29pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my boss called me to his office, and played back a recording of me telling a co-worker that if I still worked there in a year, I would hang myself. He then bitched me out for unprofessional conduct. The taped conversation took place over a year ago, with my recently ex-boyfriend. FML

by janice / 06/03/2011 at 7:23pm / United States / Work