The Top

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The all-time greatest FMLs

Really heavy sleeper

By Anonymous - 17/12/2021 02:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend revealed that last night she decided to 'test how asleep I was' by putting her finger up my nose as far as she could. Then in my mouth. Then in my ear. Then back in my mouth. I slept through the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 147

Snaggletooth

By sara - 30/05/2021 17:01 - Canada

Today, I finally got my health insurance after waiting a few months. Now I have to wait at least 6 months before getting my cracked tooth fixed, thanks to the pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 130

Lick that corporate boot!

By leteeatinpeace - 19/04/2023 06:00 - United States

Today, one of my super obnoxious coworkers tried to snitch on me and record me for “being lazy” on the clock. I was sitting in my car, while eating trail mix ON MY BREAK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 118

Possession

By Anonymous - 10/07/2023 18:00

Today, my mom wants me to get an exorcism because piercings, tattoos, my own car, my own career, moving out of her house, and wanting zero contact with her from now on are "sure signs of demonic possession", maybe even the influence of Lucifer himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 148

Not coming out yet, sorry

By KeEp.iT.A.SeCrEt - 17/04/2021 02:00

Today, a "friend" of mine told everyone that I had a crush on a girl I used to be really good friends with 2 years ago. I never liked her that way, and had said that only to hide the fact that I'm gay and don't feel safe with boys. Her current boyfriend is seriously annoyed with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 217

The best laid plans…

By Anonymous - 03/02/2023 18:00

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend by cooking her dinner. I spent hours preparing and making sure everything was perfect. I lit candles, set the table, and even put on some soft music. When she came home, she'd already eaten and wasn't hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 157

Plants are our friend

By CoffeeCakeCaramel - 18/02/2022 10:00 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my mother bought earrings with marijuana leaves on them to show her love of nature. She won’t believe me when I tell her that it’s a weed leaf, and wants to wear them to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 89

Weird kid

By maria lucia - 05/04/2021 21:30

Today, my ten-year-old daughter now has a habit of going up to random strangers and acting all scared before pointing behind them and whispering, "El Diablo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 214

Misogyny gone mainstream

By get out! - 06/03/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, my brother-in-law introduced my son to Andrew Tate videos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 192

So annoying

By Anonymous - 11/12/2021 11:01

Today, my girlfriend and I were arguing. I told her that "same" and "similar" were two different words that meant two different things. She said, "I don't know about that, let me research it." This is the level of, "I always need to be right" that I deal with every day. I need to end things, for both of our sakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 320

Food poisoning is back on the menu!

By James - 06/05/2023 06:00 - Australia

Today, whilst on a road trip with friends, we stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. I ordered a chicken sandwich and when it arrived, I took a huge bite out of it, only to realize that it was still completely raw in the middle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 103

Keeping up with the Joneses

By Anonymous - 15/02/2022 00:01

Today, in our family group chat, my sister-in-law asked me what I got my new girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. Not long after, my brother called me pissed off about me making him look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 96

Are friends electric?

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 18:01 - Canada - Bancroft

Today, my neighbor's dog came to visit and I tried to bring him back home like I usually do. Only this time, when I grabbed the dog's collar, they zapped him! And it zapped me! My teeth still hurt! FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 123

Non-confrontational

By Travis - 23/08/2022 06:00 - United States - Eau Claire

Today, my wife, who often complains about being walked on by everyone, let a person take items from our rummage sale without paying for them and simply walked away. When I asked her why she didn't say or do anything about it, she stated, "I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 150

Pudding?

By Cake - 12/01/2023 14:00

Today, my mom made my favorite dessert, a pudding. For some reason, she decided to put strawberries in it. She knows I’m allergic to strawberries. She said, “Stop bitching. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it then. Problem solved.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 159

Sensitive subject

By Anonymous - 28/07/2023 15:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I'm 55 and I've been with my 61 year-old hubs for 32 years. He has next to no sex drive. When I asked him to tell me what is attractive about me, he said I'm nice, witty, easy to talk to. I asked what physically is attractive about me. He said, "You're not gross and you're not obese." He then got mad at me when I started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 434

High school is hell

By Ani - 17/12/2021 10:58

Today, a "friend" of mine decided stealing my very low amount of sticky notes repetitively to make origami and show off was okay, even though I had repeatedly asked her to stop. Then, when I snapped, I was the bad guy, and everyone who was around started stealing my pencil case to get them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 226

Pros and cons

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 12:00

Today, I realised that I can't orgasm if I don't relax enough to let myself fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 241

Pica?

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 17:59

Today, my mom ate some flowers without knowing if they were safe. Turns out they are slightly poisonous and she had an upset stomach, but she will be fine. Her excuse? "I didn't know it had poison." I had to explain that's exactly why you don't eat plants you don't know are poisonous or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 106

Random reasoning

By Anonymous - 06/11/2022 12:00

Today, my boss fired me, saying he’d had a lot of patience with me, but now the time had come to part. Funny, a few months ago he told me that he had to have a lot of patience with each of my coworkers when they started, but that I was the only one who grasped it all right from the start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 112

Sticky situation

By Anonymous - 24/07/2022 06:00

Today, at work, I thought I had to fart, but didn’t trust it. I squeezed cheek and hurried to the bathroom. As I was sitting down, liquid shot out of my butthole and got on the seat. I then sat in it. On top of, that I saw a spider crawl out of my underwear. The spider bothers me more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 210

It's my morphology!

By and i’m 5 feet - 25/08/2022 14:00

Today, for the hundredth time this year, I was told to lose weight. As an adult, I weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 96

Telltale signs

By Anonymous - 18/01/2023 04:00

Today, I was told the company didn't want me traveling to other states to audit our stores. I was hired because I'm good at auditing and finding affordable travel options. This means they don't value my skills and are planning on laying me off. I really liked this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 129

Poor little kitty

By Anonymous - 13/01/2022 17:01

Today, I realized the kitten I adopted months ago either has serious attachment issues or the worst case of Stockholm syndrome I've ever seen. Only I can get near him, he can't stand us being over 5 feet apart, he meows until I let him into the bathroom with me, and I feel like a jerk for disliking it. I need space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 337

In the way

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 05:00 - Germany - Neusalza-spremberg

Today, I was on a camping trip, just about to pitch my tent, when the fire brigade showed up. No, I did not set anything ablaze. This nice, quiet little meadow I picked to spend the night? It’s their habitual training ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 225

Police Academy 26

By Nony - 08/06/2021 22:01

Today, during one of my final exams at university, the police academy across from the class decided to practice their marching. With the full band of bagpipes. For the entire 3 hours. I have a headache verging on migraine and start humming the marching beat occasionally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 92

Travel plans shelved

By Anonymous - 17/10/2023 22:00 - United States - Dawson

Today, I found out the passport office sent my passport to the wrong address. They sent it all to my ex-wife (currently separated) who is now asking for money in exchange for the documents, as well as me signing a divorce that she hasn't started. I'm from Australia; I can't go see my family because of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 150

Tattoos are for life

By Anonymous - 08/10/2021 11:01

Today, my husband cried more at the funeral of his tattoo artist than he did at his grandmother's funeral. Seriously, at the artist's funeral, he was crying; at his grandmother's, he kept checking the time on his phone and yawning. What man did I marry? FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 382

Drunken antics

By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 17:02 - Canada - Sherbrooke

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend full-on peeing into our tiny trash bin. The trash bin was basket material, so the pee was all over the floor. Once he'd finished, he went to bed, passed out and left me to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 150

Neverending

By Covid3.0 - 12/03/2022 16:00 - United States - Livermore

Today, despite getting all vaccinations and taking all precautions, I've tested positive for Covid. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 381

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The Top

Today, I found out the crappy shampoo I've been borrowing from my girlfriend is actually "feminine wash." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 728

You deserved it 33 385

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 650

You deserved it 546

Today, I got a warning at work for wearing my ear studs. Not only have I worn them the whole time for the last year I was here, I was unaware of this “rule.” I also was just told that the female employees are allowed to wear them, but men are not. “It looks unprofessional.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 539

You deserved it 155

Today, I went to my usual cafe and ordered a caramel latte. As I handed back my empty cup, I gestured to compliment the barista… and knocked over a perfectly balanced tray of macarons. They scattered across the counter and floor like colorful grenades, and I spent the next 10 minutes on my hands and knees scooping pastry shells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 335

You deserved it 203

Today, I laughed at my friend for tripping on the sidewalk. While imitating him to show “how stupid" he looked, I stepped on the exact same sidewalk, twisted my ankle, and fell over in front of a bunch of strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 864

Today, I'm a 34 year-old single woman on the dating apps. A guy suggested we try a swing dance lesson as our first date. I said yes. We had a good time both of us and we exchanged numbers. Later I got a text from him saying he had a connection with another match, but we should remain friends for another dance "date". Dude is 43. FML

I agree, your life sucks 369

You deserved it 106