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Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

by toothpastecat / 05/13/2011 at 11:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

by brazo667 / 02/09/2015 at 6:07pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, I sent a guy that I like a lot a picture of myself, I got all dressed up sexy and did my make-up. He sent me a reply saying "your cat is fat". FML

by Noname / 02/02/2009 at 9:36pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

by poorclubgoer / 11/14/2009 at 5:11am / United States / Money

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

by FUCKFACECUNT / 08/02/2015 at 9:32am / United Arab Emirates (Abu Dhabi) / Work

Today, I went to a club with some friends. I ordered two drinks from the waitress and gave her a fifty. She never returned with the change, and the rest of the staff claimed they didn't know who I was talking about. FML

by Jon / 05/14/2012 at 5:46pm / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Money

Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML

by PatientlyDying / 06/15/2015 at 7:07pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

by AllergyRidden / 12/24/2011 at 5:05pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

by hardwarekit / 10/31/2014 at 10:27am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 12:25am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

by Username / 03/31/2011 at 3:20am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML

by oops / 05/11/2015 at 12:40pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to hold my new boyfriend's hand while on a date. He let go quickly though, letting me know that we aren't at "that stage" of the relationship yet. We've been having sex for two weeks now. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2015 at 12:10am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy