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Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

by 0ros / 09/12/2009 at 6:13pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, I was at an outdoors Christmas party and I jokingly complained that my son says 'mama' way more than he says 'dada'. One of my students was at the party and watched him for a couple of hours. He taught him to say 'dada' every time he sees a bug. FML

by paparoach / 12/21/2014 at 2:59am / United States (Hawaii) / Kids

Today, a dog attacked me. Its owner, instead of apologizing and helping me, said it was my own fault for making it think I was an attacker by running past them. We were on a jogging track. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2012 at 7:15pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 12:25am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, I found a link to a porn website on my boyfriend's computer. A bit jealous, I asked why it was there. He told me that he thought thinking of me might get boring. FML

by thoughtitwasspecial / 05/18/2011 at 1:15am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

by Username / 03/31/2011 at 3:20am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2012 at 10:47pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I helped my fiancé pack up and head to Texas for a business trip. I'm not only going to miss him, but I'll also miss my car keys that I accidentally left in his car. I drive for a living. FML

by Ohshucks! / 07/20/2010 at 3:01pm / United States / Love

Today, due to the powerful antibiotic I was taking for a bad infection on my knee, I had no control over my bowels and shat my pants while discussing a plumbing problem in a customers basement. FML

by beernuts / 03/06/2012 at 6:53am / United States / Health

Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table and looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke and said "What's wrong? Grandma finally die?" Turns out she had. FML

by ubbernoob / 03/05/2009 at 2:33pm / United States (Arkansas) / Health

Today, after waiting for 2 weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML

by xxlenalunaxx / 04/29/2015 at 7:11am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

by brazo667 / 02/09/2015 at 6:07pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, this guy I've been "seeing" for a year said he didn't want to share my birthday with me because he doesn't want us to get serious. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2010 at 2:24am / United Arab Emirates (Dubai) / Love