Miss 29 years-old Single
Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML
Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML
Today, I found out the friend I signed a lease with is actually a wanted drug dealer. I only found this out after the police kicked in the door at 5am and raided our house. FML
Today, I had to listen from the next room as my dad cheated on his girlfriend with his married boss. He's 57, looks like a troll, and doesn't smell much better than one either. Meanwhile I'm 24 and couldn't get laid, much less get a date, if my life depended on it. FML
Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML
Today, I went downstairs to get a drink and overheard my grandparents talking about me. They spent a good 15 minutes double-team attacking me for my failings as a human being, mainly me not being married with children yet. I'm barely 20. FML
Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML
Today, I got fired from my first job because of the herpes on my lip. It was actually a second degree burn from soup that splashed on to my lips when I was serving it but my manager doesn't believe me. FML
Today, I was washing my car, and I decided to be kind and to wash my elderly neighbor's car. As it turns out, her sunroof was open. FML
Today, I sent a Snapchat the girl I've been flirting with all week. Her response was the back of her Coke Zero, which had the quote "You've Got a Friend in Me." I got rejected by a soda can. FML
Today, I learned that lightning and flash flooding are the best motivatiors. I learned this while on a run and 2 miles away from school. FML
Today, my friend decided that we should go clubbing together to "catch up". Her version of catching up is me standing beside her making out with some random dude in the parking lot. FML
Today, my budgie learned to fly, having finally outgrown his clipped wings. He flew straight over the gate, out the door and into my dogs jaws. FML
Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML
Today, while in the car with my mom, we accidentally ran over a dog who had sprinted into the road. Instead of stopping, my mom continued to drive as if nothing happened. Every time I tried to bring it up, she merely talked loudly over me. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating because I've been buying generic groceries instead of name brand to save money. Apparently, I must be using the extra money on another woman. FML
Today, I've been so stressed out that I forgot my own birthday. I only remembered when my mom talked to me to let me know she wasn't planning on doing anything for it. FML
Today, my friend got her first car. I bought mine three weeks ago and haven't started making payments. She came straight from the dealership to pick me up. She backed into my car. FML
Today, I woke up with the worst headache of my life. I didn't get it from drinking, but rather from puking 6 times off the side of a fishing boat. Fishing was the one thing my husband wanted to do while on vacation, even though I'm 3 months pregnant and have a bad stomach. FML
Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML
Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML
Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML
Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML
Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Turns out he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML
Today, the guy I was on a date with jokingly challenged me to an arm wrestle. I won. He left. FML
Today, during a layover between two flights, I managed to catch a shower. Too bad it was ginger ale and not water. FML
Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML
Today, I went to a professional development meeting with my boss to discuss how I'm doing and what we want from each other next year. I left without a job. FML
Today, the woman I have been seeing said she couldn't see a future with me. This was all because I didn't text her back when I fell asleep after working a double night/morning shift. FML
Today, I dropped my daughter off at a concert where she was performing and went to look for parking. I got caught in freak traffic and it took me an hour to get back there. I missed her act. FML
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