Today, I came home to a furious wife and an answering machine message from a woman neither of us know claiming I got her pregnant. My wife won't believe she got the wrong number. FML
Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abuse from a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML
Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML
Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML
Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML
Today, I slammed my middle finger in a drawer. I screamed and my mom came running into the kitchen. She asked me what was wrong, so without thinking I stuck up my middle finger. She hasn't spoken to me since this morning. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML
Today, in an attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend picked me up and threw me down onto the bed. I fell straight through it. FML
Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to throw pebbles at my bedroom window in the middle of the night. It triggered the burglar alarm, which woke up everyone in the house. If my parents didn't know I had a boyfriend before, they certainly do now. FML
Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML
Today, I was in the shower, when I heard my daughter scream and shout, "Mommy, mommy! Help! Come quick!" I panicked and rushed downstairs without even looking for a towel to cover myself, all so I could find out she'd just gotten a piece of dirt on her shoe. FML
Today, I was brushing my teeth when I looked up. There was a huge scorpion dangling on the air vent above my head. I was trapped in the bathroom for over an hour trying to build the courage to run out. FML
Today, I asked my teenage daughter to read off directions from my iPhone while I drove. She went on Instagram instead. We missed the turn by 32 miles. FML
Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML
Today, I came out to my parents. I don't really fit any stereotype, I'm just an average guy who happens to be into guys. Ten minutes later, I overheard my mother say to my step-dad, "Should we redecorate his room pink?" FML
Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML
Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward two hours of my life. FML
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